You know what makes me very sad? When I read stories online about parents choosing to use public shaming as a form of punishment. I don’t know how many articles I’ve read about parents who don’t like the actions of their children/teenagers and instead of dealing with the situation in a private way, they make them stand on street corners holding up signs with their offense, or they cut their hair and share the video on Facebook. When I see these kind of stories I think, What is wrong with these parents?!?! These photos and videos often have other parents chiming in with Good job! Why didn’t I think of that? responses that break my heart. I am so grateful that I grew up pre-social media and any stupid thing I did could only come back to haunt me after someone finished the roll of film in their camera and sent the film away to be developed, (and even then, there were only two copies of the picture, and chances were good they were out of focus anyways!)

Now, I have made a promise to myself to never blog about my children when they have made me mad and I am still in the emotional throws of the situation. It is not that I want to paint our home life as something happier or shinier than it really is, but rather I want to protect my children from shame and humiliation. And while my children are still very young, I want to develop the habit that we lift each other up and encourage each other. The last thing I want for my children is for them to carry the burden of guilt and shame. And if they find themselves in a situation that creates those things, is it loving for me to publicly broadcast that to the world? No, it is cruel and selfish. I want to use their failures and their shortcomings to create opportunities for learning- learning about life and learning about the grace freely given to them by their Father in heaven.

So as I mentioned, last night we had a rough night. Being at my wit’s end, I did not know what to do, so I sent the kids to their room while I sat on the floor of my kitchen and cried. When I was finally able to compose myself, I struggled with how to deal with the heart of the situation. How do I get them to understand how their actions affect the people around them. So, I grabbed paper and pencils and headed upstairs. We sat down on their beds and I asked them to each draw a picture of themselves being mean to mommy. They were taken back at first at the request, but then they set to their task. After a few moments, they were finished. I started with Big E.

His picture is a little bit hard to understand,  but he explained it to me. That is him in the middle. The squiggles through his mouth are when he was saying mean things to mommy. He drew me on the left side with tears running down my eyes. The two lines on the right side represent when he was stomping through the house.

I was fascinated by his picture and the way he expressed his words as the jumble of lines at his mouth.

C’s picture was easier to understand. That is her in the foreground yelling and that is me in the background crying.

When we finished this exercise, I asked them what they thought about their pictures and they both agreed that they were very sad and they didn’t like them. They earnestly looked at me and apologized for the evening. What could have ended as a horrible evening with yelling and fighting, ended with a remarkable moment to connect with my kids on a deeper level. Was I still frustrated? Yes. Did they still have consequences? Yes. But did we mutually learn something last night? Absolutely. And we were drawn closer together because of it.

Though I fail at this so often, true discipline isn’t about shame. It isn’t about guilt. It is about correcting a behavior and an attitude in such a way that the relationship is restored and healing can begin. It’s about pointing them to Christ and teaching them about grace. And it should always be done out of love.