Tim and I had been discussing baby names the morning we were at the hospital waiting for a room to open up. In the back of my mind, I had a feeling we were in the middle of something terrible. My mind had wandered to the thought of losing the baby but I refused to dwell there, after all I had had three successful pregnancies. No, it couldn’t be that bad- after all, I had prayed.
The night I found out I was pregnant I asked God to spare me the pain of losing a baby, but a few weeks later my baby was gone, and in such a dramatic, heart wrenching way. I struggled with why God had said no to the one thing I had begged of him. And so I vacillated between numbness and deep sadness, trying to make sense of the loss we had experienced.
I’ll never know this side of eternity the answer to my ‘why,’ but I can (and have) learned from it.
I’ve learned that the body heals faster than the heart.
I’ve learned that a community of believers has the power to impact the outcome of grief.
I’ve learned that miscarriage and infant loss is more widespread and common than quiet whispers allow. That there is a kinship of women that have walked this path ahead of me, and their collective wisdom has helped navigate me though this season.
I’ve learned that naming our baby is helping me to process my grief. (One day I will share her name, but for now it is a treasure I keep close to my heart. )
I’ve learned that grief takes on many forms- fear, sadness, compassion, courage, love, etc.
I’ve learned, or rather been reminded, that God’s goodness is not contingent on my circumstances and that the loss of our baby is a part of our story and is being worked out for good even if we can not yet see it.
And I’ve learned that you will smile again, laugh again, feel again. It takes time, but it happens. And when it does, it feels like freedom.
2016 was not all terrible. In fact, it was peppered with some truly wonderful experiences, but it finished with such a fantastic maelstrom of difficulty I am not unhappy to see it end. Of course, the turning over of a new year neither guarantees prosperity, nor safety, nor happiness, but it does offer a good opportunity to do a mental reset, a chance to start fresh and to approach the new year with a sense of optimism. So with that in mind, may God bless you in your travels, encourage you in your relationships, and draw you ever closer to himself. Happy New Year!
I’d like to say thank you to those of you that have journeyed with me this past year. Your words of encouragement were deeply felt and appreciated. Thank you for reading and thank you for staying!