11-27-16 It’s okay to cry…

It’s okay to cry. 

I sat in my hospital room the day after my surgery, in the same hospital gown I had been wearing the day before. The socks they provided reminded me of ugly Christmas sweaters, and the thought of them on my feet made me smile from time to time, a little glimmer of happiness in an otherwise sad situation. The doctor had released me, and the nurse came in to read over the discharge papers with me. As expected she ran down the lists of do’s and don’t’s, being sure to remind me to follow up with the surgeon and fill my prescription if I needed it. When she was done she set the paper down on her lap and stared at me. I wondered what she was thinking as we studied each other’s faces. Her face softened and she leaned in a little, “Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t cry. Don’t let them say, ‘Look, you have three beautiful children at home, you should be happy.’ Don’t let them say that. You just lost your baby. It’s ok to cry.”

Up until that moment, Tim and I had been using the term baby, but I noticed the medical staff were reticent to do the same. They had called it my pregnancy. They had called it an egg. In all the paperwork, the baby was referred to as products of conception. In fact, when I had asked the surgeon if she had been able to see the baby, she looked a little taken back at the terminology.

And while everyone had been very kind and understanding, this was the first medical person that had given humanity to our baby. And when she saw me start to cry at this kindness, she came over and hugged me and held me as I cried. The enormity of what had happened had been hitting me in waves and to have this kind stranger confirm what I already knew deep in my soul, that I had just lost my baby, made at least some of my pain feel a little bit vindicated.

I don’t remember her name, I wish that I did, but her words blessed me more than she will ever know, and I will carry them for the rest of my days.

3 thoughts on “11-27-16 It’s okay to cry…

  1. I love this. I am writing this through tears! I am so incredibly thankful that God placed her in your path. That has been my mission since all of our losses is to try to change the medical community’s terminology of so MANY things related to pregnancy. I have never been able to get over the terms like “spontaneous abortion” when I desperately wanted my baby. I don’t think there should be such a disconnect and I have felt such a drive to change that. That nurse is absolutely right in her comments to you and I applaud her for being the one to step above the “everything is medical” and “there is a universal way to deal with these situations” mentality. I encourage you to watch the movie Return to Zero. It was a hard movie for me to watch but it provided me with such a sense of solidarity with some of what that couple experienced. The circumstances of the loss may not be the same, but the idea of how the world views pregnancy loss is. You DID lose your baby. You have experienced something unfathomable and were dealing with the waves of grief, as you said, but with no guidance. It is so easy to get lost in a sea of grief when humanity is taken out of the equation. I am so incredibly grateful to that nurse for giving you a ray of light to cut through the gloom. For giving you a starting point for recovery from a loss no parent can conceive. I pray that you continue to heal and continue to seek Him through all of this. It is so easy to question “why” but I found myself going in circles of grief that way. Giving it up to Him was the only way I got through -and I don’t mean in a “God has a plan for everything” kind of way. I mean giving my grief to Him. Or more like pouring it out to Him mostly was the only thing that would let me breathe. I always felt weird when people would call me “strong” because I felt that I was at my weakest. Only now, looking back to I see what they saw which was not MY strength but HIS. I still ache for my babies. I still wonder what might have been. But now, to quote a 90’s romance flik, I don’t have to remind myself to breathe in and out everyday. You will get there too. Your baby was here. Your baby was real. And yes, it was a baby! And you will always be his momma. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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