If the math was correct, next Tuesday would have been my due date, but since all of my children have been c-sections, and they typically schedule those exactly a week before, today would have been the day.
But instead of celebrating a birthday, I am staring at a box that contains all the earthly evidence that Hazel Marie ever existed. The Hazel Box… A pregnancy test, some surgery photos, and the doctor’s report from October 29th.
I never knew you could miss someone so much that you never met. I never knew the hole that loss would leave. But it’s there, and it’s gaping, and the only thing that soothes it is to know that this isn’t the end, that one day we will meet face to face, and the first thing I will say is “I love you.”
The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult, as this day loomed on the horizon, and me unable to slow it’s approach. But it’s come and it hurt. It was made easier by the friends that reached out to me to make sure that I was ok, that checked in on me to remind me that I am loved. Thank you for that.
This evening I was in a car accident on the way home from work. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t serious. There wasn’t much damage, but I’m sore, and probably will be for a few days. The van will need some cosmetic work, but I’m praising God that it wasn’t worse. I’m thankful my children weren’t with me when it happened. I’m thankful the people stopped.
And in reality, I am thankful for a great many things. While my mind often wanders to the empty crib now stored in the attic, I have before me three beautiful, wonderful children, whom I love more than life itself. I have an incredible husband who has walked this painful road with me, has held me when I cried, and coaxed me out when I have spent too long in my own thoughts. I am thankful to a patient heavenly Father who has slowly, but steadily, transformed a terrible situation into evidence of His glory and faithfulness in my life. And I’m thankful for Hazel. She changed me. I’m not the same woman that I was when I woke up on October 29th, for better or worse, I’m different. And I’m not sure what that means and I’m not sure who I am becoming, but I’m eager to find out.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (NASB)