11-22-19 Staring At Walls

The good hospital drugs wore off sometime this morning. The pain isn’t horrible, but it’s not ignorable either. This day has been strangely drawn out and dull. Not that it has been boring, but rather muted. Sounds seem muffled. Colors seem less vibrant. Hours have ticked by with sloth-like tempo.

I thought I’d spend my day binge watching tv on the couch, but my mind couldn’t settle on anything, so I chose nothing instead.

I’ve slept a lot. I’ve stared at the wall a lot.

I feel nothing and everything at the same time.

I saw my kids briefly yesterday when my in-laws dropped by so they could have lunch with me. I have missed them desperately. They will come home for good tonight. I need to feel my arms around them, and their small arms around me. I need to hear their laughter.

I know this is a process and I’m at the beginning of it. It’s not scary this time. It’s not overwhelming. It’s not oppressive. It’s just going to take some time. Lots of staring at walls. Lots of silently praying in my head. Lots of sleeping. Lots of healing. I’ll get there.

I’m thankful for the friends that have dropped by, texted, messaged, brought food, run errands, and have taken such good care of me, and for my mom who has worked tirelessly to make sure I’m ok. We are blessed to have you in our lives.

Tomorrow is another day, and with my kids here it will be a better one. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.

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