On the way home from the hospital this evening, we took a detour and drove through some neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights. I wanted to give the kids at least a sliver of holiday festiveness. This year has been hard, and we are still in the thick of it. We still don’t have definite answers about my dad, but we continue to pray for his healing and God’s will.
I spent the day with my father. He is still sedated, and they will keep him that way another day or so. There were some good improvements in his blood work and other labs and his vitals are stable. That is all wonderful news. But he is battling pneumonia, and that seems to be his biggest issue. The doctor said we will know more over the next couple of days.
It’s hard to watch someone you love go through something like this. You feel helpless and at moments very alone. While I hate that he got so bad he needed to be transferred to the ICU, I am thankful he is there. The nurses and doctors have been wonderful, and unlike when he has been on the regular floor, I haven’t had to fight for him. They anticipate his needs and keep such a good eye on him.
These past few days have been rough, but thank you to so many of you for reaching out, visiting at the hospital, and sending us messages. We are grateful for you in our lives.
I’m not sure what tomorrow holds, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it, but God is still good and He is still sovereign. I will trust in Him.
To Christ be the glory.
“I looked at her and it was like the thought had dawned on me for the first time: That’s where I’m heading… where we’re all heading.
“That sobering thought alone was enough to remind me of the stakes involved in life. To be confronted with suffering, whether observing it in another or struggling against it with your own aches and pains… to be confronted with affliction is a reminder that something immense and cosmic is at stake: a heaven to be reached, a hell to be avoided, and a life on earth to be lived seriously and circumspectly.
“Our souls are the battleground on which massive spiritual battle are right not- right now in this minute- being waged. And the stakes are enormous. Beyond our conception.”
“Every day of our short lives- even every hour- has eternal consequences for good or ill. Eternity- and the way we’ll live in it- is somehow being shaped by our moment-by-moment responses to the life we have before us to live right now.
“And so it is only fitting that God should give us some sense of the stakes involved. I’m so grateful that life for us is not an easy road. If it were, if the Lord did not occasionally give us a taste of hell’s splashover, you and I would soon forget that this world is not our home. I’m also grateful that He opens our eyes from time to time to the magnitude of this spiritual war we are in. He does this by giving u wonderful foretastes of glory divine in the joys we experience, and He does it by allowing us foretastes of hell in our suffering. ”
Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing, pf 126-127
Thank you to all of you praying for my father. He has been in the hospital for a few days, but last night things took a drastic and rapid turn for the worse. I got a call early this morning that they had moved him to the ICU.
I wish I had answers. I wish I could say he will be ok, but at this point we just don’t know.
I’m nervous. I’m scared.
But I’m thankful for the Lord’s foreknowledge in moving us out here last year. He saw a future I didn’t imagine and He knew I needed to be here and available during this time. This is hard. This is heartbreaking. But He has already seen all of my tomorrows and he knows the outcome. So I’m leaning into Him even harder, because I can’t do this without Him.
Can I admit this here? I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m worn down.
Not just from the ectopic, which happened exactly a month ago, but from a year plus of fighting battles on every front.
A friend texted me this afternoon and asked how I was doing. “Not well” was my knee jerk reaction. And that’s true. I got barely any sleep last night. I’m putting out fires left and right. And at moments, I’m barely holding on. It got me to thinking.
Do you remember being a kid and going to the fair? We would beg my parents for tickets to ride the rides. The best was when they would buy the bracelet that gave you unlimited rides and we’d spend the evening going from ride to ride. The Scrambler was always my favorite, but my sister’s was that UFO looking contraption that spun you around and around, using centrifugal force to keep you plastered to the wall. Somehow I was convinced to get on that thing, despite having a history of motion sickness. The moment the machine started to spin I knew I was in trouble. I wanted to get off immediately. No. That machine was not stopping for anything. Instead it got faster and faster. So I squeezed my eyes tight and clenched my teeth and waited for it to be over. It seemed like an eternity. When it finally ended, I fumbled my way outside, vowing in a wave of nausea to never do that again.
That is kind of what my last year has felt like… A carnival ride I can’t escape. A constant barrage of challenges and difficulties. No sooner is one thing figured out then another rears its ugly head.
But unlike the Gravitron, whose only reward was a day of dizziness and nausea, this past year has taught me (and is teaching me) that I serve a mighty God. Never more so than in the past year have I felt so inadequate to face the challenges placed in front of me, and yet time and time again, God has been there… providing, healing, encouraging, and fighting the battles I showed up ill equipped for.
I’m still on this ride. It hasn’t stopped yet, so each day I lean harder into Christ and his unfailing work on the cross, for in doing so I will know Him better. He is my rock and my salvation. Sanctification is a messy process, but the end result will be glorious indeed.
The first snowstorm of the season was… well… let’s just say I’ve seen more impressive ones. But it didn’t stop the kids from donning their new snow suits, digging through the glove pile, and hunting down their snow boots to head outside and play. They dragged each other around the driveway on the sled and made snow angels. We topped it off with a customary hot cocoa and a movie.
I realize I haven’t been writing on here much the past few nights. I have had some long days at the shop. I’ve been getting home very late and very dusty. So I pretty much just clean up and crawl into bed.
Speaking of bed- I’m staying up too late, getting up too early, and sleeping horribly through the night. No wonder I’m so tired these days!
We are supposed to get some snow in the morning. I am really hoping that it pans out because the kids are very excited about it. I think they might be a little disappointed to learn that homeschool kids don’t get snow days, but they will definitely get out and play if there’s enough (i.e. any at all!)