06-15-17 Distant

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Last night, after I got the kids in bed, I wandered downstairs, found some ice cream in the freezer, curled up on the couch and put on a movie. For the first time in a couple of weeks I allowed my mind to turn off and I just existed. These past few weeks have been very chaotic, and my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. My anxiety has been through the roof, and I have spent most of my time trying to bring it under control. I know this feeling is temporary, I know it’s part of my healing process. And while I anticipated that this week was going to be hard, I was blindsided by the anxiousness that accompanied it.

This evening I decided to ignore the nagging voice in my head that told me to make a quick evening and get the kids into bed early. As I stared at them this afternoon I realized how distant I have been these past few weeks, so I had them change into their bathing suits, and we went to the beach for a little bit more escapism. The kids enjoyed their time there, and the breeze off the bay helped to wipe away some of the cobwebs that have been lingering.

Thank you for all the kinds words and sentiments over the past few days. They are greatly appreciated.

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06-13-17 The Hazel Box

If the math was correct, next Tuesday would have been my due date, but since all of my children have been c-sections, and they typically schedule those exactly a week before, today would have been the day.

But instead of celebrating a birthday, I am staring at a box that contains all the earthly evidence that Hazel Marie ever existed. The Hazel Box… A pregnancy test, some surgery photos, and the doctor’s report from October 29th.

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I never knew you could miss someone so much that you never met. I never knew the hole that loss would leave. But it’s there, and it’s gaping, and the only thing that soothes it is to know that this isn’t the end, that one day we will meet face to face, and the first thing I will say is “I love you.”

The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult, as this day loomed on the horizon, and me unable to slow it’s approach. But it’s come and it hurt. It was made easier by the friends that reached out to me to make sure that I was ok, that checked in on me to remind me that I am loved. Thank you for that.

This evening I was in a car accident on the way home from work. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t serious. There wasn’t much damage, but I’m sore, and probably will be for a few days. The van will need some cosmetic work, but I’m praising God that it wasn’t worse. I’m thankful my children weren’t with me when it happened. I’m thankful the people stopped.

And in reality, I am thankful for a great many things. While my mind often wanders to the empty crib now stored in the attic, I have before me three beautiful, wonderful children, whom I love more than life itself. I have an incredible husband who has walked this painful road with me, has held me when I cried, and coaxed me out when I have spent too long in my own thoughts. I am thankful to a patient heavenly Father who has slowly, but steadily, transformed a terrible situation into evidence of His glory and faithfulness in my life. And I’m thankful for Hazel. She changed me. I’m not the same woman that I was when I woke up on October 29th, for better or worse, I’m different. And I’m not sure what that means and I’m not sure who I am becoming, but I’m eager to find out.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

 

06-12-17 Photos

By the end of the day, I usually have anywhere from 5-30 photos on my phone documenting my day. Most of the pictures are of the kids, but sometimes there are things I see during the day that I want to make sure I show Tim. Sometimes I take photos of things to remind me of something I need to do. And sometimes there are random photos that I accidentally take, because I channeled my inner 80 year old self!  Today I looked and only found one photo on my phone… A blurry picture of a parking spot. (I think)

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So in addition to my lovely parking spot photo, I thought I’d add some pics from the beach the other day that I never uploaded. 🙂

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06-11-17 AHG

Tonight was a big evening for C, as she had her end of the year ceremony for her American Heritage Girls Troupe. I am very proud of my sweet girl, who earned multiple badges throughout the year, and made new friends along the way. I am so pleased with her group and I love that she is involved with something that stresses the importance of putting others first. I know she will be eager to start back up again in the fall!

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06-10-17 My middle child

Big E snuck into my room this morning while I had gotten up to go to the bathroom. When I returned he was curled up under the covers, convinced that I wouldn’t be able to see him. I lifted the covers and crawled into bed next to him.

Big E is an early riser. It’s unusual for him to sleep past 6:30, which is great during the week, but a little frustrating during the weekends. This morning my mind was racing and I couldn’t seem to slow it down, so I found some clothes for Big E and myself and we quietly snuck out of the house and went for a walk while the rest of the family was still sleeping.

It’s incredibly rare to get one on one time with any of my children, so it’s always a treat to get a few moments of alone time. This morning was no exception. We took a nice walk to the stinky bridge, did some exercises, and also ran a few ‘obstacle’ courses that Big E made up.

He’s a great kid with a big heart and a beautiful smile. I’m lucky to be his mama. 🙂

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06-09-17 Paronychia

I learned a new word this evening… paronychia.

That’s a fancy word for ‘fingertip infection’ which is what C was diagnosed with when I took her to the urgent care this evening. We noticed her finger looking pretty bad this morning, though she said it looked like that last night. She said it hurt to touch, and obviously it was very swollen with a pocket of puss. (yuck).

They had to poke it with a needle and drain it, which is just as horrible as it sounds and C cried through the procedure. It was pretty amazing, and rather gross to see how much came out of it. She was also prescribed a week of antibiotics to help clear up the infection.

We certainly get some strange illnesses!

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We need to keep a close eye on it to make sure the infection doesn’t spread, so we will keep it clean and keep on top of her meds.

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And of course, such bravery earns a secret trip (secret because the boys weren’t with us) to Rita’s while waiting for the prescription to get filled!

06-07-17 Anxiety and Panic…

I didn’t get much warning when my panic attack hit the other day. Tim and I had swapped cars in the morning and as I drove his car to work it started acting funny. By the time I pulled into the parking lot I was feeling pretty anxious about it, and about twenty minutes later I felt the panic set it.

Thankfully panic attacks have become a relatively rare occurrence, usually only a few times a year, but when they do happen I always forget that it takes me a few days to shake the feeling of them, so this week has been a bit bumpy.

I’m thankful for a wonderful support system that I can text or call in a heartbeat, whom I can trust to immediately start praying for me and form the thoughts and requests that I can’t in those moments.

Anxiety stinks, and panic attacks are pretty awful. Most people who have them don’t talk much about them, because let’s be honest, during a panic attack, we really aren’t at our finest. It took me years before I could acknowledge them in public. When I had my first one I didn’t know anyone that dealt with them. Well, I should rephrase that, I had no idea I was surrounded by people that had them, but hid them so well I never knew. So, I felt incredibly alone and isolated. So if you’ve ever had a panic attack, know you are in good company and if you need to talk about it, need some prayer, or just need to have a safe place to panic, let me know. I’m here! 🙂

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06-06-17 Two More Days!

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This sweet one has only two more half days of first grade and then she is done! I can’t believe how quickly this year flew and in a few short months she will be seven. Having the past few quiet evenings with just her have been such a blessing. Big E and Baby E will be gone for one more night, but we are eagerly looking forward to their return!

Two more days, Bug! You got this!!