5 years.

10 years.

15 years.

Why do these numbers seem more significant than the others?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I’ve been restless this week, not sleeping well, consuming more and more coffee to hide my fatigue. I’ve been short tempered, snapping more at the kids and sending them to their room for minor offenses. I’ve been craving quiet, but my children have been anything but. There’s been a simmering under the surface. It hit home this evening when I yelled at my kids to stop talking and get ready for bed.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Tomorrow will be 15 years. Most days I don’t think about it. I can go weeks without it crossing my mind. For obvious reasons, this time of year is always more difficult and this week is always the hardest. I used to not cry about it. I used to bottle it. But years ago I decided to let the tears come. That’s part of working through grief- you have to feel it.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3

I put the kids to bed and I wandered downstairs, intent on tackling the dirty dishes, but instead I made my way to the china hutch. I wasn’t even sure if what I was looking for was there. Had I even unpacked it when we moved? But I found it, shoved in a corner behind a large candle. I shook it and the snow scattered and fell back down, just as it always has.

Two moves ago I contemplated tossing it. I even had it in the ‘throw away pile,’ but at the last minute I grabbed it, wrapped it in old newspaper and shoved it into a box. I’m glad I did.

Grief is a hard path, best not to be walked alone. I’m thankful that I have always had a strong support system. Their love and compassion has always pointed me back to Christ.  And though tonight the grief feels fresh, I cling to the promise my Father made to never leave me, nor forsake me, for in Him my tears find respite.

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

I’m not recounting my story tonight, but if you want to read it, you can find it here in a post I wrote last year.

Blessings.