I’m incredibly jumpy. I can’t help it. My mind keeps racing to the worst possibly scenarios and my adrenaline follows pretty quickly after.
It happens like this…
I’m sitting on the stoop outside watching my kids play. All of a sudden I can only imagine Baby E tripping and falling and hitting his head. I see Big E on his bike and picture him running off the curb and landing in the street. And then my thoughts begin to avalanche.
Every stair case, every sharp furniture corner, every ‘non toy’ item in our house is now a possible antagonist.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I can’t intervene. I can’t move quickly, I can’t lift, so I feel pretty helpless in the face of something happening. I recognize this isn’t logical. I know my children are safe. I trust the other adults around me. I just can’t stop it!
So I walk away. I have to put myself in time out. I know this is just a phase and part of the healing process, but it was one I wasn’t expecting, so it caught me off guard.
Today was a pretty good day on the recovery front. I’m moving much better and the pain is starting to lessen. I can feel the incisions starting to itch a little, a sure fire sign they are starting to heal. My follow up appointment with the surgeon was scheduled further out than I had hoped, so I have to take an additional few days off from work. Nothing like plowing through your leave time all at once. *sigh* It’s ok. It’s a process.
I’m still so very grateful for the many people that have stepped up to help my dear family through this. You guys have been the hands and feet of Christ in a very tangible way and it is definitely helping move us forward.
My prayer this evening comes from the Psalms. I’ve been focusing on it, letting it replay in my mind. It’s helping to calm me.
I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the Lord;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:1-4
I’ll be honest with you, Saturday was terrifying and painful. (In fact, in terms of pain, this recovery is a walk in the park compared to the pain I was in then.) Out of curiosity I had read about ectopic pregnancies in the past. I knew they could rupture. I knew they caused internal bleeding. I knew how serious they were. So when they gave me the diagnosis, I understood what we were up against. I knew they had to act fast and when it took hours to get me into the ER, I was getting pretty worried. When they finally wheeled me in I asked God to please just let me hold my babies again. In His grace, His answer was yes.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me.
I’m grateful for the extra cuddles with my kids. I’m grateful for the sounds of their laughter. And I’m grateful to my dear, sweet husband who has worked tirelessly to give them a sense of normalcy as we carry on.