My daughter and I have matching boots. This is probably the closest we will ever get to being the Gilmore Girls!

The darkness that has been hanging heavy over me these past few months is starting to lift. I can feel it deep inside me, the ache giving way to something new. In the past I have always fought the mourning process, steeling myself against the pain and vowing to push forward. This time, with the loss of our pregnancy, I chose to feel it. There were moments when the pain was relentless, clawing at my mind and body, assaulting my thoughts with all manner of fears and insecurities. Self destruction would not do, however, so some of that pain I dumped here on a captive audience, while much remained for my family and friends, who bore it with grace and compassion; and even more was shouted at the heavens or offered up in tearful prayers. Thankfully the burden of our loss no longer violates every still moment. Instead, there is peace. There is solace in the quiet. There is gratitude in the silence.

He has pulled me through, as He promised He would. He has pulled me through.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

 

Last night I invited people to ask me any question they wanted and I would respond with a literary quote. I received some wonderful inquiries, so this evening I have set about answering them. I had to veer from strictly quotes from literature, as there were not as many as I hoped to tackle some of the topics. Since I am answering these questions in someone else’s words, I leave it to the reader to draw their own conclusions to the meaning.

This was a difficult experiment because rarely did a quote mimic the thought I intended it to express. I would be curious to know if you as the reader derived anything from this exercise. 

Also, please share if any of the quotes spoke to you, irrespective of their context in my narrative. Thank you!

 

THE EXPERIMENT

1. Where/how did your and your husband meet?

“I never weary of great churches. It is my favorite kind of mountain scenery. Mankind was never so happily inspired as when it made a cathedral.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” Aristotle

“I wanted to punch him and understand him at the same time.” Shannon A. Thompson, Take Me Tomorrow

“I ask you to pass through life at my side- to be my second self, and best earthly companion.” Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

“Reader, I married him.” Charlotte Brontë

2. How does your finger feel?

“When a gust of wind hits a broken bone, you feel it.” Shia LaBeouf

“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” Voltaire

“I have been fortified by trauma, the way a bone, once broken, grows back stronger than it had been.” Charles M. Blow, Fire Shut Up in My Bones

“There is a tendency for things to right themselves.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

3. What are you working on at work?

“I have no idea what’s awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends…” Albert Camus, The Plague

“I don’t like work— no man does— but I like what is in the work— the chance to find yourself. Your own reality— for yourself not for others— what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means.” Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

“I feel I’m moving toward as well as away from something, and anything is possible.” Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

4. When did you start having an interest in photography?

“There’s a point, around the age of twenty, when you have to choose whether to be like everyone else the rest of your life, or to make a virtue of your peculiarities.” Ursula K. Le Guin, The Dispossessed

“I have a visual imagination.” Sylvia Plath

“One doesn’t stop seeing. One doesn’t stop framing. It doesn’t turn off and turn on. It’s on all the time.” Annie Leibovitz

“All photographs are accurate. None of them is the truth.” Richard Alvedon

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… It remembers the little things, long after you have forgotten everything.” Aaron Siskind

“The picture that you took with your camera is the imagination you want to create with reality.” Scott Lorenzo

“With photography, I always think that it’s not good enough.” Lynsey Addario

5. How and when did you notice you had a gift for writing so well?

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.” P.G. Wodehouse

“Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere.” Anne Lamott

“The most difficult thing about writing; is writing the first line.” Amit Kalantri

“Writing to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.” Isaac Asimov

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” Anne Frank

“I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” James A. Michener

6. Why are you such an amazing and awesome mother, friend, wife and all around person?

“Give up the struggle and the fight; relax in the omnipotence of the Lord Jesus; look up into His lovely face and as you behold Him, He will transform you into His likeness. You do the beholding— He does the transforming. There is no short-cut to holiness” Alan Redpath

“The God who can change a sinner into a Christian by giving him His life can equally transform the fleshly Christian into a spiritual one by giving him His life more abundantly.” Watchman Nee

“Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what’s going to happen. It’s one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s one of the most terrifying. It’s worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.” Ariana Grande

“… it is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.” Mackenzie Astin

“I did the best I could, and in some arenas, my best was not good enough. I’ve made some bad choices.” Amy Grant

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” C.S. Lewis

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.” Erma Bombeck

“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more…” Charlotte Ericsson

7. How many episodes of the Grand Tour have you seen?

“Starting from zero, got nothing to lose.” Tracy Chapman

8. How was the movie? (Mom’s Night Out)

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

“… a good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing; more’s the pity.” Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

9. Who influenced you to write so well and express yourself?

“She reads Dickens in the same spirit she would have eloped with him.” Eudora Welty, One Writer’s Beginnings

“A classic is a book that has never finished saying what is has to say.” Italo Calvino, The Uses of Literature

“When you reread a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in you than there was before.” Cliff Radioman

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.” George R.R. Martin, A Dance with Dragons

“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.” John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

 

 

 

*Thank you to everyone that participated!!*

 

 

Baby E inherited his sister’s first snow boots. They are pink. And he inherited her snow suit, with its pale blue butterflies along the cuffs. He inherited his brother’s old winter coat. Those are the casualties of being the youngest of three children. He doesn’t mind, though, and neither do we.

We went to the pet store this evening to get cat litter. Baby E wandered from the fish to the turtles and birds, and then over to the cats, babbling about and to each new creature he discovered. The kids squealed as a cat played with them from behind the glass, their belly laughs echoing through the store. It was such a simple outing, but one filled with moments of wonder for them.

On the heels of a truly disappointing snow storm a few days ago, (it never actually snowed) we finally got some snow last night and into most of today. When we woke up this morning the ground was already covered and the kids were eager to get out and play. With a ‘feels like’ temp of about 10 degrees we held off until this afternoon. Up until then we had a lego playdate with the neighbor cousins, ate lunch, and took a desperately needed nap.

After waking up, we dug out all the snow clothes and bundled everyone up. They lasted about 30-40 minutes outside, playing with a neighbor and then helping to shovel. Baby E was the least amused with the snow because his multiple layers (along with snow pants that were three sizes to large) kept making walking a little difficult and frustrating. The big kids enjoyed munching on the snow and cleaning it off the vehicles.

Then this evening we had dinner with the neighbor cousins, so much fun was had by all.

We assured the kids that the snow would be sticking around for a few days since the temps are supposed to stay well below freezing for a little while, so hopefully they will get some more time to play in it.

This little cutie is hoping for some snow tonight, and if I’m honest, so am I. Whispers of snow started swirling a few days ago. While we are not expecting to get much, I always love it when it snows (unless it falls during rush hour and then I really don’t like it) However,  I think overnight snow storms are the best!

“Why is Daddy the one that comes into our room when we need someone in the middle of the night?” C asked this evening as she was getting ready for bed.

The real answer to that question is that I nursed each of my kids for almost a year, and during each of those years I was up with the nursing baby 3-4 (and often more) times a night, while working full time an hour away from home, running on caffeine and power naps. I’m not sure if we ever distinctly talked about it or not, but as soon as each kid stopped nursing, Tim took on the responsibility of checking on the kids in the middle of the night if they needed something. It was his way of giving me a much needed break and some desperately needed sleep. It is still mostly Tim that gets up with them, but there are plenty of times I’m in their room too.

I figured this explanation was a bit too complicated for the kids so I simplified it with, “I used to get up with you guys a whole lot when each of you were little. Now Daddy does it so I can get some sleep.”

“Why do you need sleep? You don’t actually do anything!” C replied.

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t do anything all day. You just sit and edit videos. Daddy actually makes something.”

“Yeah, you just sit at a computer!” Big E chimed in.

I stood there staring at them completely speechless. Did they just say I don’t do anything all day?!?

The idea of work is an abstract topic for children to grasp. I thought about it from their perspective. My kids have visited both where I work and where Tim works. I’m a video editor, so it is true, I sit at a computer every day and Tim is a wood finisher so he is up and about. They’ve seen him use the spray gun and work on panels and doors. I totally understand that from their point of view, daddy’s job is much more active, but dear children, I actually do make something!! Day in and day out I make something!! In fact, I always thought my kids would think my job was pretty cool. *sigh*

Had their statements come from a peer, I think it would have been a pretty huge blow to my confidence, but since I know my kids have zero intention of hurting my feelings I decided we would have a talk about what is and isn’t appropriate to say to people about work.

I started off by explaining how hurtful their statements sounded. As I suspected, they had no idea what they said would be upsetting. (They had been viewing it as I mentioned above, that Daddy moves around a lot more with his job.) Then I went through a list of some of the things that we are blessed with because “mommy just edits videos.” We have a house and clothes and food. Then we talked about how important it is to speak well of people. It doesn’t matter what they do, if they are working they are doing a good thing to help provide for their families. They seemed to understand and quickly apologized.

It wasn’t the life lesson I was expecting on tackling this evening, but thankfully it all worked out in the end!

This morning I had a one month follow up appointment for my finger. They took more x-rays and the doctor decided that the soft splint I had been wearing wasn’t cutting it, so I am back in the hard plastic splint for a few more weeks. Not sure if my timeline got shifted due to this setback, but I imagine it was. The best part of my morning was as I was leaving the doctor’s office I ran into my sister-in-law and her sweet children in the waiting room. Her oldest daughter broke her arm a few weeks before I broke my finger and she had an appointment to get the cast off. We have the same orthopedic surgeon and by happenstance we both had appointments! I took a picture with her so I could show the kids this evening. The kids thought it was awesome that their cousin was my broken bone buddy!

“Can Monster Trucks drive on the road?” Big E asked me as we drove home this evening.

“I think so,” I replied. “I don’t see why not.”

“Can they ride on the dirt?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Well if they go on top of a house of dirt and fall off then they can’t drive on the dirt, can they mommy?” (Somehow that scenario made sense to him.)

“I’m guessing the answer is no.”

“Don’t you know about Monster Trucks??”

“You know honey, Daddy is the one that knows more about monster trucks than Mommy,” I told him.

“Yeah, Daddy knows about a lot more stuff than you!”

Ouch! Thanks, kid. Trying to redeem myself in his eyes I countered with, “Actually, there are things that mommy knows more about than Daddy!”

“Like motorcycles?” he replied.

“Um… no.”

Silence from the back seat.

After a beat he pipes up with, “Maybe you could read my book about machines at home. Then you would know stuff.”

I’ll get right on that, kid. 😉

“Sorry I couldn’t give this to you on Christmas day.”

I love you. I hope your finger feels better soon.

This evening I dropped by Chick-Fil-A and picked up dinner for me and the kids. One of the things that I like about Chick-Fil-A is that their kids meals always come with a book or a game, never a cheap plastic toy to litter my house. 🙂 This evening’s meal included a little pack of “Dinner Games” cards. The little plastic container was filled with cards to encourage interaction and fun at meal time. There were a few games where we had to guess things about each other, and ones that led to silly faces and lots of giggles. It was a wonderful way to sneak in a little quality time with the kids before bedtime.

“Money Bob-boo-wah???” Baby E pleaded with me as I was making breakfast this morning. “Money Bob-boo-wah!!!”

“I’m sorry, honey, we don’t have any.”

“Lay-low.”

“Yes, if I can find some.”

Toddlers have a language all their own, and consider yourself blessed if you are able to translate their foreign tongue. When Big E was a toddler, he used to babble at me and I had a very hard time understanding him, so I would turn to C and she would translate for me. Somehow she completely understood just about everything that came out of his mouth and once she would say it, it would start to make sense to me as well. Now that Baby E has his own language, I sometimes turn to the big kids for their translating skills. C is of little help because she spends every day at school, so she hasn’t caught onto the intricacies of his dialect, and Big E merely tells me what he wants Baby E to be saying, not actually what Baby E is saying.

So in spite of their ‘help,’ I have gotten pretty good at translating him.

So I am compiling a small ‘Baby E to English’ dictionary should you find yourself in a one on one conversation with Baby E and you are a little rusty on your toddler-ese.

Bob-Boo-Wha- Lollipop

Money- More

Lay-Low- Later

Litty Litty Litty- Kitty

Meal- Oatmeal

Doo-Doo – Downstairs or Upstairs (you’ll need context clues for that one.)

Wannee- Water

Malm- Milk

Cargo- Car

Offensive curse word- Truck

I wanna + offensive curse word- Another Truck (My sincerest apologies on this one. Yikes!)

YiYa- Big E

Charree- C

Doe-nee- Doughnut

Fair-fane– Airplane

Mean Up- Clean Up

So there you have it, you will no longer be ill prepared to speak with our tiniest savage. Good luck and godspeed.