I’ve been feeing anxious lately. There’s been stuff going on in our lives that I haven’t shared here, and I probably won’t, but the past few weeks I have felt overwhelmed. I hate to put it out there, but that’s where I am. It’s been steadily increasing, and I think part of it has to do with tomorrow.
Eighteen years is a long time.
This evening social media started to rehash the images. The moments I lived in real time. The demons that still whisper when I’m feeling sad. I don’t think I cried last year, but I have tears tonight. In a few years my ‘after’ will be longer than my ‘before’ and I think that will be even harder. It’s been eighteen years since I breathed that air, tasted that smell, and dodged the ash that danced like snow. Eighteen years or eighty… you don’t forget.
I’m thankful to have a God that has walked those years with me and has constantly reminded me that that day does not define me and that he held that day as surely as he holds today. I can trust Him completely. He is my comfort, my light, and my salvation.
Psalm 27 (ESV)
The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold[a] of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet[b] I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire[c] in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek[d] my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”[e]
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look[f] upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!