12-05-16 Forgetting…

I reached for a bottle of ibuprofen this morning and paused. You aren’t allowed to take that, I muttered under my breath. But why? For the life of me I couldn’t remember, but I knew it was important. Tylenol is ok. Ibuprofen is bad. I stood there, the bottle in my hand, just staring at it. And then I remembered… You can’t take ibuprofen when you’re pregnant. 

Oh.

I keep doing that. I keep forgetting. I will go to do something (or stop doing something) on the basis of being pregnant, only to remember that I’m not. I rubbed my belly the other day, like there was someone there to rub, but there wasn’t. I would have been twelve weeks tomorrow, well into my morning sickness and almost seeing past it. But instead I am dealing with paperwork and iron supplements and blood draws.

I don’t say this for pity’s sake. Miscarriage is a difficult topic to discuss and one that we often shun because of the pain associated with it. But the reality is that when you experience a miscarriage, it permeates every part of your being. Every relationship feels its strain and every task carries its burden, at least for a season.

I talk to God about it, in the quiet of the evening, or on my commute into work. Sometimes I rehash the story. Sometimes I plead the ‘whys.’ And other times I sit in silence, listening and waiting.

The truth is, I’m not angry at God. Not even a little. Saddened by the situation, yes, but angry, no. Life happens, and life is desperately messy. But trusting in the “Maker of all things” reminds me that even in my sadness, even in my disappointment and my pain, I am so incredibly valued and unimaginably loved.

Ecclesiastes 11:5- As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. 

 

Hillary Scott sings a song called “Thy Will” and I hear it on the radio sometimes, and it strikes a chord.

[Verse 1]
I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

[Chorus 1]
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

[Verse 2]
I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

[Chorus 2]
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

[Bridge]
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

[Chorus]
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

[Outro]
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord

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