02-18-17 Translating Fear to Prayer

After nearly a month of sickness in our house, I have to confess that I’m pretty much on edge most of the time. Tim has been under the weather for a lot of it, so that has left me to manage and deal with most of the illnesses. I’ve made multiple doctor’s visits, juggled various medications, laundered and cleaned sickened areas, and after weeks of constant pummeling I just feel tired. I douse my children with hand sanitizer, wash their hands frequently, make them wear masks and warn them against the dangers of getting close to people when all these sicknesses are running rampant. After having about three days of everyone feeling pretty well and hearing about other sick children that have been near mine,  I felt the familiar feeling of my pulse picking up and my anxiety kicking in. My mind starts following rabbit trails of more vomit bowls and sleepless nights.

Here’s the deal, I’ve been worrying and obsessing for weeks. That’s not healthy. I know that’s not healthy. I know it’s wearing me down and affecting the way I’m living. I’m snapping at my kids, losing patience with my husband, and all around being a not so pleasant person to be around. So tonight, weeks later than I should have been, I’m translating that fear to prayer. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t control whether my family gets sick. I can trust that God is sovereign and that if we aren’t done He will give us the strength to ride it out. So from here on out when I hear the words ‘fever’ or ‘vomiting’ or ‘sick’ and I feel my pulse starting to quicken, I’m going to try take a moment to pause and pray that God will handle it because I no longer can. And if you see me starting to unravel, remind me of this post and the promise that God is in control- not me!





02-18-17 A Perfect Date


I went on a date today. It’s the first date I have been on in months and it wasn’t with my husband. My dear sweet daughter has been clinging to me lately, and I knew it was time that we spent some time together. I realized late last night that I had forgotten something at work and decided to run up today to grab it and bring my girl along. We decided to make a fun little trip out of it. We got there and I picked up what we needed. Then we took a walk to a near by cookie store. We ordered fresh baked cookies and sat at a picnic table and ate them. Then we went for a walk in a nearby garden labyrinth. We ran around, walked on brick walls, and played princesses.

We desperately needed this and it was perfect!

02-17-17 Finally Friday!

I’m looking forward to a much needed weekend with my wonderful children. We’ve had a rough few weeks, but we’ve pulled through and I can’t wait to share some giggles and smiles with my crew. I’ll start us off with some great pictures of C from our impromptu photo shoot this evening. I love this girl. I love her personality. And I love her bubbly spirit. As we say in our family, “She makes my heart happy!”

02-16-17 The Bus Stop

I couldn’t hear the sound of her crying, but I knew that she was. She stared at me through the bus window, tears running down her cheeks, her eyes unblinking. My heart sank as the bus pulled away, that was a terrible way to part. I waved at her bus, unsure if she could still see me, but hoping that if she did it would make a difference. Just moments prior she had clung to my waist as the bus pulled up. I had to pry her off of me and carry her to the open door. She turned around to cling again and I hugged her and nudged her towards the line of other children waiting their turn to climb the stairs.

We had had a rough morning, brought on mostly in part because she stayed up too late the night before. Couple that with her absolute disdain for the current medication she is on for her ear infection and our morning really didn’t stand a chance.

In an attempt to cheer our little girl up, Tim stopped by her school this morning and had lunch with her before heading off to work. I wish I could have seen the look of surprise and delight that swept over her face at the sight of him!

Tonight C and I sat down and talked about this morning and what had gone wrong. She said she was so upset because she missed me and didn’t want to leave me. Naturally this broke my heart and I promised her that we would have a date very soon, just the two of us, so we can get some precious time together.

So if you see me out with my sweet little girl one evening, pardon me if I don’t stop and chat, but I’ll have eyes only for her!




02-15-17 Sausage and Salami

This is Baby E talking into a sausage patty. Why? Because Baby E is obsessed with sausage. He is also obsessed with oatmeal. They are both consumed in large quantities in our house.  Big E can’t get enough Uncrustables, which I find borderline disgusting but I can live with it. And C can eat her weight in salami and buttered bread.

I think my children’s food choices are strange.


02-13-17 Unexpected Isolation

The wind howled last night as it whipped through our neighborhood, dragging toys and trashcans as it went. The windows vibrated and I could hear the high pitched squeal of air coming through at the crack around the door. It woke me up from a dead sleep and I found myself thankful that we don’t live around any large trees. I had to go outside once when I heard several of the kids toys dragging along the sidewalk. I didn’t want them to damage anyone’s cars.

I checked my phone to see the time, and it registered in at midnight. I sent a quick text to a friend and then the phone died. No heads up, no warning, just dead. After some time with tech support online, my phone company decided to send me a new phone, which should arrive tomorrow.

So an unexpected isolation started today. It’s a strange thing to be so reliant on a piece of technology. In our younger years, we were forced to be so much more resilient and adaptable because the information we needed wasn’t always at our fingertips, but now we have gotten used to not waiting, and the thought of being unreachable can be a bit overwhelming. The day gave me a good chance to enjoy some quiet and step away as much as possible from the constant flow of information that often invades my time. It was an enjoyable sort of solitude.


02-12-17 American Heritage Girls


This afternoon was C’s first American Heritage Girls awards ceremony. She earned her joining badge and her hiking badge. I am hoping now that she has some badges to put on her vest, she will be excited to start working on some more of them at home.

The more we get involved with this organization, the more I realize this is exactly where I want my girl. They really do a lot to help the girls learn and grow, and I love that she has the opportunity to do it at her pace. She is making friends and having fun. It’s such a joy for us to watch!



02-11-17 Sometimes I check out…

I’ve been off today. This happens sometimes when I’ve had a particularly rough experience. I noticed it happen after Baby E’s first febrile seizure and it happened after the ectopic.  I think my brain takes a day or two (or longer in the case of the miscarriage) to reset before I can start functioning properly, but in the meantime I just kind of check out. I’m aware of it when it happens, but as of yet I have been unable to stop it before it sets in. The symptoms are always the same- loud noises set me on edge, fast motion makes me uneasy, and any form of conflict makes me shut down. Living in a house with small children makes this particularly difficult, because small children are loud, fast, and constantly picking on each other, so I found myself either snapping at them constantly or hiding from them in quiet rooms, neither of which is helpful. And the more I tried to withdraw, the more my children pleaded and pawed at me, followed me around, and fought for my attention. Thankfully Tim intervened when he could. I’m praying tomorrow is easier.


02-10-17 To the woman who called me an idiot…


To the woman who called me an idiot in a parking lot today,

I realized too late that I was going the wrong way in a one way side of an otherwise empty parking lot. The markings were very faded, years having passed since the last application of paint. But I did see you as you walked in front of me in your high heels and white pantsuit. We made eye contact and you stared at me with a look of disgust in your eyes. I mouthed an “I’m sorry” as you trotted in front of my car. When you made it across, I drove slowly past. I looked in my rear view mirror as you opened your door and I heard you say “idiot” as you looked up at my car. You must have said it pretty loud because I heard it inside my car with the windows rolled up. I’ll admit, it stung.

For a split second I pictured myself slamming on the brakes and confronting  you for your rude behavior, because that’s the kind of day I had been having- the kind of day that makes me want to lash out at complete strangers to vindicate my own frustration. But I stopped myself. After all, maybe you were having one of those days too.

There’s no way that you could have known that my two year old son woke up at 4 am running a high fever. I gave him some ibuprofen and sat up with him for over an hour watching cartoons until he was ready to fall asleep again.

You didn’t know that when I heard him making noises a few hours after, I went into his room and found him lying on his side, his pillow soaked in slobber, and him moaning. I picked him up and his body was hot and limp. His arms hung like dead weights to his sides and his head lolled about as I carried him to the rocking chair. He slurred what little speech he had and had a hard time focusing on me. I gave him medicine to bring down his fever as we discussed taking him to the ER.

You can’t imagine how it felt to be holding him a few minutes later when I looked down to see the pupils in his eyes get large, his eyeballs roll back into his head and his face start uncontrollably twitching- to hear his mouth making gurgling noises and watch the bubbles foam from his lips like some rabid animal. I yelled for my husband. I got my neighbor who is a nurse.

And you had no idea that I watched my baby’s body twitch, his skin get pale, and his lips turn blue as he struggled to breathe. I actually called 911, talked to the operator and then ended the call as his color came back, the whole episode lasting mere minutes.

You didn’t watch him slowly come back, with stiff twitches and moans until he was able to open his eyes, his body exhausted from the episode.

You didn’t know that my husband took my son to the pediatrician to have him checked out, but I couldn’t join them because I couldn’t reschedule my first physical therapy appointment to help my broken finger.

You didn’t know that my family has been sick for the better part of three weeks, that I have deadlines at work, and projects that need finished.

You had no idea I had a massive headache from the incredible amount of crying that I did today- during and after the incident, and in the quiet moments.

You had no clue that just moments before we met, I had just gone to Chik-Fil-A to get some fries and tea because I had barely eaten all day and I hoped the sugar from the tea would console my headache until I could get medicine.

And you didn’t know that after our encounter I went to the boardwalk and stared at the vast expanse of the bay because I needed to feel small. I needed to be reminded that in the grand scheme of things, my bad day was only a sliver of my existence and certainly not the focal point. I needed the tangible reminder of my Father’s provision as I watched the gulls fly and listened to the water lap onto the beach.

No, you saw me in that one moment and passed judgment. I understand it though, we’ve all done it. Someone does something stupid, or silly, or annoying and we are quick to lash out with an unkind word or stare, having little concern of how it might impact the recipient, our self righteous indignation superseding someone else’s dignity. But when you’re treading water, the last thing you need is someone to splash you. So how about next time you try better and so will I. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and you give it to me. And then let’s extend it to all the other people we cross paths with, so that our brief moments and interactions benefit each other instead of doing damage. Let’s do better.


One tired mommy


Thank you all for the kind words and prayers. Today I am thankful that my little guy is doing ok. He does have the flu, but his lungs are clear (which is always a major concern.) His fever has been under control since this morning and this evening he was running around the house without a care in the world. God is good. Please continue to pray that the fever remains down and he can kick this virus quickly.

I am thankful that we have EMTs living on one side of us, and a nurse on the other side. And I’m so grateful the nurse came over when I pounded on her door and begged her to look at my seizing boy.

I’m grateful the doctor reiterated that he will most likely grow out of these febrile seizures as he gets older and no damage is done when they happen, it’s just his body’s reaction to a sudden spike in temperature.

And I’m grateful for my husband being home sick today. If he’d been at work, I would have been going through that alone. So glad he was there.