I’ve been feeing anxious lately. There’s been stuff going on in our lives that I haven’t shared here, and I probably won’t, but the past few weeks I have felt overwhelmed. I hate to put it out there, but that’s where I am. It’s been steadily increasing, and I think part of it has to do with tomorrow.

Eighteen years is a long time.

This evening social media started to rehash the images. The moments I lived in real time. The demons that still whisper when I’m feeling sad. I don’t think I cried last year, but I have tears tonight. In a few years my ‘after’ will be longer than my ‘before’ and I think that will be even harder. It’s been eighteen years since I breathed that air, tasted that smell, and dodged the ash that danced like snow. Eighteen years or eighty… you don’t forget.

I’m thankful to have a God that has walked those years with me and has constantly reminded me that that day does not define me and that he held that day as surely as he holds today. I can trust Him completely. He is my comfort, my light, and my salvation.

Psalm 27  (ESV)

The Lord Is My Light and My Salvation

Of David.

27 The Lord is my light and my salvation;
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold^[a] of my life;
    of whom shall I be afraid?

² When evildoers assail me
    to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
    it is they who stumble and fall.

³ Though an army encamp against me,
    my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
    yet^[b] I will be confident.

⁴ One thing have I asked of the Lord,
    that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
    and to inquire^[c] in his temple.

⁵ For he will hide me in his shelter
    in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
    he will lift me high upon a rock.

⁶ And now my head shall be lifted up
    above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
    sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

⁷ Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
    be gracious to me and answer me!
⁸ You have said, “Seek^[d] my face.”
My heart says to you,
    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”^[e]
9     Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
    O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
    O God of my salvation!
¹⁰ For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
    but the Lord will take me in.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O Lord,
    and lead me on a level path
    because of my enemies.
¹² Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
    for false witnesses have risen against me,
    and they breathe out violence.

¹³ I believe that I shall look^[f] upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

This year the kids’ curriculum is focused on geography and culture. We will be studying various countries and cultures from around the world. Today we took a field trip to the Compassion Experience. It is a traveling exhibit put on by Compassion International to introduce people to what it is like to grow up in a third world country and how sponsoring a child can have a positive lifelong impact on them.

The exhibit contained the stories of two Compassion ‘graduates,’ (kids that were impacted by Compassion’s ministry.) When we got there we were each given a set of headphones and an iPod and we were directed into the first exhibit where we followed the life of a little boy growing up in Guatemala. We got to visit various places that were important to him growing up and we listened to a child narrate his story. When we finished his exhibit, we went back through to learn about Shamim, a girl who grew up in the slums of Uganda.

Both stories were fascinating and the kids were spellbound. The exhibits were kid friendly, so they could touch and feel the things in each room. They learned a lot about growing up in a culture and country where you might not have the resources we have here.

For the rest of the afternoon, the kids kept thinking back to the walkthrough and comparing their lives to the lives of the kids in the stories. It was a very humbling experience that I hope the kids remember for a long time. If you ever get the chance to visit the exhibit, I would highly recommend it.

We dropped by the shop this afternoon to check on a project that my dad has been working on. While we were there, the kids came out of the office to visit us in the back of the shop. In order to get to us, they had to walk past some panels that had been sprayed and were drying. The kids don’t come back in the shop often, but I am hyper-vigilant when they do, so as always I warned them to not get near the panels. I have visions of a domino effect should one of the kids bump one.

The response from my kids was not what I expected. I thought at that warning, my kids would take a large step away from the panels in order to be as far away from them as possible, but instead they took a tiny step. If they continued on their path they would be fine, but if they tripped or lost their balance they were still close enough to bump a panel. I reminded them to move further away and they did.

This evening I was reading the verse that came up when I opened my Bible app- Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. 1 Peter 2:16 ESV.

I thought about my kids and how they knew they weren’t supposed to be near the panels, yet they chose to walk close enough they could touch. Technically they weren’t doing anything wrong. They weren’t touching the panels. They were paying attention to the line they shouldn’t cross, but they weren’t distancing themselves from it.

I think our approach to sin is often the same way, at least it is for me. I’ve been a Christian since I was a little kid. I know that I am completely saved by grace. With that in mind, I recognize that there are actions and attitudes that aren’t helpful, that are sinful. There are lines I shouldn’t cross (not because they wouldn’t be forgiven, but because they wouldn’t be Christ-like.) And yet, sometimes I toe the line. I see a sinful behavior or attitude and instead of giving it a wide berth, I stay just far enough away from it to not be sinning but close enough that if I lose my focus I could slip right in. In those moments, I’m not living as a servant of God.

Living as a servant of God is to be so enraptured with Him, to be so enamored by His truth, that when you look down you aren’t anywhere near the line. You are closer to Christ than you are to that line of sin.

I think that’s why as Christians we should have conviction about what we watch, the music we listen to, the books we read, the hobbies we have, and the words we let slip from our mouths. Are we toeing the line of sin? Are we sinning? Maybe not. Maybe not yet. But are we being Christ-like? Are we living like we are free from sin?

“Mommy, can I go down this hill?” Big E called to me from his bicycle. He was about 30 feet up the street from me, his bike facing the grassy slope next to the road. I was walking next to Baby E as he hurried to catch up with his siblings on his balance bike.

I did a quick assessment of the area in front of Big E, and from where I stood it looked fine. A typical ditch next to a street, maybe six feet at its lowest point and then a slope up the other side. I gave him the go ahead and with a smile he started down the hill.

The next thing I knew he flew over his handlebars and went out of sight. A second later he popped up. “Mom, you said it would be ok!!”

I ran over to check on him and as I got closer I noticed that at the bottom of the ditch there was an additional small drainage area etched out from rainwater. His front wheel had caught on it, causing him to do his aerial stunt. Thankfully he didn’t even get a scratch and we laughed at how silly it looked to see him fly through the air.

I hope you guys are ready for a whole lot of homeschooling posts in the months to come, because this is what most of my life looks like right now. I don’t think I will ever stop being thankful for the opportunity to stay home with my kids. I’ll take sitting on the floor putting words together over meetings and deadlines any day. I may miss the work and I may miss the people, but I will never regret this.

I think I can easily say that this year’s curriculum is more intense than last year’s. It is designed for a wide range of students, and you can personally cater it to your family. My kids range on the younger side of the spectrum, so I have spent the past week trying to gauge what works and what doesn’t. I know that hands-on activities are very important at their ages, so I’m trying to make a concerted effort that those aren’t the activities that get cut if our day runs long.

Today we did linking paper dolls for our art class. The lesson was talking about how the U.S. is made up of so many people from different cultures from around the world. After coloring and taking pictures with them, the kids hung them up on the classroom whiteboard. I’m pretty sure art was the highlight of their school day.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. At first I was concerned that I was coming down with something but then I remembered that we have started school. That means that I am using my voice ten times more than I normally do. The hours I have spent being quiet over the summer have been replaced with teaching and reading (oh so much reading) and my vocal cords need to get used to it again.

The kids are enjoying the extra time we are spending in books. Outside of school we have been working our way through a couple of books we got from the library by George Shannon. The books are called “True Lies” and contain collections of brainteasers from around the world. Each of the stories is very short, usually 1-3 pages, and they all end the same way, “What’s the truth, the whole truth? And where’s the lie?” The stories usually employ some play on words or sleight of hand to mislead and confuse the reader, so the kids have to pay close attention to everything being read so they can decipher what is actually going on. After we read each story, the kids take a few minutes to try to figure it out. Sometimes they get them. Sometimes they don’t, but they always enjoy when I turn the page and read them the answer. You can see the wheels turning as the story comes into focus.

We will be finished with these books soon and I am hoping to find something similar to follow them up with. I like the idea of the kids problem solving and thinking outside the box with these stories. If you have ever run across anything close, let me know!

Tim and the kids worked on the earthworm habitat last night as I was making dinner. I could hear them in the next room talking about the various layers of dirt and sand that they were adding to the container. They took turns picking worms out of the carton and adding them to their new home. They carefully covered the outside with black construction paper to encourage the worms to dig deep in their new habitat. Now they get to observe them for the next few weeks and see how they settle into their new habitat. Fingers crossed we don’t kill them off.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this past year. Today marks the one year anniversary of my father walking into the emergency room. One year since everything changed. A year that challenged me, at times terrified me, and pushed me well past all my comfort zones. A year that left me feeling beaten and bruised from the constant pummel of unpredictability.

Through all the uncertainty of this past year, though, I have hung onto the certainty of Christ and his redemptive work on the cross. He was enough then. He is enough now. He will be enough tomorrow.

My Faith Has Found a Resting Place

1. My faith has found a resting place,
   Not in device or creed;
   I trust the ever-living One,
   His wounds for me shall plead.
   • Refrain:
     I need no other argument,
     I need no other plea,
     It is enough that Jesus died,
     And that He died for me.
2. Enough for me that Jesus saves,
   This ends my fear and doubt;
   A sinful soul I came to Him,
   He’ll never cast me out.
3. My heart is leaning on the Word,
   The living Word of God,
   Salvation by my Savior’s name,
   Salvation through His blood.
4. My great physician heals the sick,
   The lost He came to save;
   For me His precious blood He shed,
   For me His life He gave.

~Eliza E. Hewitt, pub. 1891