My boss asked me about a specific piece of footage the other day. I had been on the shoot when our Graduate Assistant shot the footage and my boss wanted to track down a specific scene. With confidence I replied that the footage was shot between the end of September and the end of October 2016. We checked the files and sure enough the folder was there, labeled October 19th 2016.

There was nothing particularly special about that shoot for it to stick out in my mind save one thing- I had been pregnant. I remember going on the shoot that day and it was unbelievably hot and we did a lot of walking around town. Save a very small handful of people, no one knew at that time. I vaguely remember feeling very exhausted and beat by the time we made it back to the office.

Ten days later we lost the baby.

Today would have been Hazel’s first birthday, had she lived. I should be in the midst of planning a birthday party, picking out an adorable outfit and whipping up some cute invitations to celebrate. But Hazel died before we could meet and all I have left of her is her “Hazel Box” and a promise. For the sake of our other kids and for the sake of our family, I made a promise that her loss wouldn’t be in vain.

Around this time last year I was a wreck. With Hazel’s due date and major forward motion on our new house happening the same week, I felt so lost and overwhelmed. I was having panic attacks multiple times every day and I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I remember pleading with God to remind me that he was in control and that we were making the right decision. A couple of months earlier we had decided to move forward with our plan to eventually move, for me to quit my job, and for us to start homeschooling.

And then the strangest thing happened. Less than two weeks later I got an email from a friend. It is someone I have known for years. I worked with his wife when I first started in the film industry and I was always very close to her. I got to know her husband over the years and the couple has always been such an encouragement to me. He is the man I asked to photograph each of my children after they were born, but we hadn’t corresponded in the years after Baby E. He’s not on social media and we don’t have many mutual friends so when his email arrived I was taken aback. The gist of it boiled down to the fact that he had been compelled to pray for our family recently, but he didn’t know why. After praying for us he decided he needed to write to me. In his email he talked about raising children in godly households, about the importance of focusing on their well being, and the value of teaching them at home. He walked through several passages of scripture he felt were relevant and concluded, “He wants us to use his standard for what constitutes a godly family – no matter what the world is doing. What ever that takes.”

I’m not a superstitious person. I don’t look for signs. I don’t randomly open my Bible and point to an arbitrary verse and expect that it will be relevant to what I am going through. That’s not me. But guys, I sat there blown away. This man had NO IDEA what we were going through. He didn’t know about Hazel. He didn’t know about our plans. He didn’t know the ache I had to be home with my kids and to be able to homeschool them. But I had told God I was scared. I had asked him if such drastic plans were really necessary or if we could just maintain our status quo. I had pleaded for him to bring our plans to a screeching halt if it wasn’t in His will, and then He sent me that response.

“What ever that takes.”

Ok, if big change is what God was calling us to do, then big change it was going to be. Sure, I’ve had doubts and fears since then but I keep being reminded of that message and the countless other times I have seen Him working along this path.

So today I fulfilled the promise. Today I had my exit interview at work. I still have twelve more days in the office but today it felt final. I hadn’t realized it was planned for Hazel’s birthday until I was on my way to work this morning, but it seemed so very fitting. It’s my Happy Birthday to Hazel, the gift I can give my family that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t known her.

So until we meet face to face, my sweet Hazel Marie, Happy Birthday from mommy.

A man at the pier caught his first fish this evening. His face was beaming as he was holding it off the ground still attached to the line. It was flailing in the air gasping its final breaths. The kids caught wind of the fish and ran to see what was happening. We had met up with some cousins for ice cream and time at the board walk. They had been playing tag up until the man caught the fish, then most of them were riveted by the stranger. He told me he was a teacher, and that became evident very quickly when he let the kids touch the dead fish as he explained the different parts to them. The kids each ran to us to tell us about the fish and getting to touch it. As he moved back and forth along the pier to check on his rods, the kids would follow him, bombarding him with questions, and with great patience and a huge smile he answered them all.

I wish I had caught his name and shaken his hand. He made such an impression on my children and I was taken aback by his kindness and generosity. He could have ignored them. He could have pretended not to hear their questions over the roar of the bay, but instead he invested and engaged.

So whomever you are, kind stranger, thank you very much, you are an amazing teacher!

 

With three days of school left, we are just trying to hold it together and finish strong. Tomorrow is the Character Parade at the kids’ school and they have been talking about it for weeks. They get to dress up as a character from a book, make a poster, and participate in the parade at school.

Instead of deciding which book we wanted to do, we took a survey of which costumes we could pull together and went from there. C chose Moana, so I ordered some Moana books from the library for her to pick from. Big E originally said he wanted to be Curious George, but I reminded him that the costume is hot and he might not want to wear it all day. With that in mind we went to the library and I scoured for books that had superheroes or farmers. We landed on “Superhero Joe,” which we read this evening and assembled the costume. Then the kids set to work making their posters with stickers, markers, and construction paper. Even Baby E wanted to make a poster, and of course he chose Moana as his book as well. Shocking, I know!

She won’t believe you if you tell her, but C snores. Shortly after Baby E was born and we were still living in the farmhouse, I was sleeping each night in the living room. The farm house was a beast to keep warm, and since it was winter, the warmest room was the living room, so I set up camp there. Baby E had quite a few medical problems early on and I was recovering from the C-Section, so we both pretty much just lived in that tiny living room.

Not much sleeping was happening for us, though. Baby E was jaundice and the pediatrician was adamant that Baby E was fed around the clock every two hours from the start of a feeding. That meant I got next to no sleep the first few weeks of Baby E’s life.

I don’t mind admitting that I snore, especially if I have a cold or if I am extremely exhausted. During those early days of Baby E’s life I’d practically pass out on the couch after feeding him and startle myself awake with a snore.

At some point during that experience C was sleeping in the living room with us, but I can’t remember why. What I do remember is that she would wake me up every time she heard me snore. That meant I was getting even less sleep, and snoring even more.

One night when I was laying there, C was on the floor and she started snoring. After a moment she sat up in bed and started complaining that I was keeping her awake!! That’s when I realized while I was snoring, she was snoring too and waking herself up and blaming me!! After that we made a rule that she could sleep near me, but she was never allowed to complain about my snoring.

Well tonight I am sitting in the next room from her and I am listening to the gentle steady rhythm of her snoring and it makes me smile. Her and Big E only have four more days of school and then they will be done. My sweet, snoring girl is growing so quickly. I’m proud of her hard work this past year and I have loved watching her mature. I’m looking forward to getting to spend more time with all three of them in the very near future!

Sure, it’s nearly 3 months late, but we finally had Big E’s birthday party. It was a Superhero/Hot Wheels party featuring a John Deere birthday cake. (All his own choices.) We had it at our local park, which works great for birthday parties! We had pizza and cake. The kids decorated paper plates as steering wheels and raced each other around the picnic area. They each got a hot wheels car and raced them down hills.

Nearly all of Big E’s cousins were there, as well as quite a few friends from his class. He was over the moon that he finally got to have his special day.

Happy Birthday, Big E!

I got to meet my first great nephew this evening and he is such an adorable and sweet baby. 😍

I got to hold him for awhile and I was amazed at his calmness and his sweet disposition. He’s won me over already!! ❤️❤️

He’s a keeper!!

Today was Big E’s end of year kindergarten picnic.

It seems like only yesterday that we were sitting in kindergarten orientation in the gym of his school. He was cuddled up next to me, his eyes huge. I could tell he was nervous, but when the teachers called him to get into line he mustered his courage and lined up with his new classmates. This morning I sat on a blanket outside watching him run around with all those kids, laughing and joining in on their games. Big E is a really special boy with a kind heart. I’m so incredibly proud of him. I’m proud of how well he did in school this past year, and I am proud of the young man he is growing up to be.

Congratulations on your first year of school, Big E! We love you!!

Since I am losing my incredibly awesome insurance at the end of this month I’ve been cramming in doctors and dentist appointments as I can. This morning I had a follow up appointment for something and for some reason I had it stuck in my head that the appointment was around 11 am, so I took the whole day off. When I went to confirm it last night, it was actually set for 9am, but since I have a couple of personal days to burn I decided to just stay home today anyway.

After my appointment, I grabbed a book and a towel and headed to the beach. I couldn’t have chosen a better day to be off. The temperature was in the mid 70’s, very little humidity, and there were huge puffy clouds in the sky. It was gorgeous. I found a log down on the beach and set up camp. I divided my time between reading, looking for sharks teeth, and digging my toes into the sand as the water splashed my legs. I’m going to miss the water. I’m going to miss the waves lapping onto the beach. I’m going to miss it very much.

The recent storms ate away at the cliffs at the beach, and large chunks of packed clay had fallen to the ground. A few of the trees look even more precarious as they balance on the edge. Another storm or two might bring them down.

When my time was up I packed up my stuff and went to pick up the kids. They had an early dismissal today and I was able to collect them from the bus. I had grabbed their swimsuits and we headed back to the beach where we spent the better part of four more hours. I ran into a friend there and we got the chance to sit and talk and catch up while our kids played. After they left we stayed awhile longer. We had plans to meet up with their daycare for an ice cream party at our favorite ice cream store, so when it came time for ice cream we headed to the van.

Hungry and exhausted, we gobbled up our ice cream and the kids laughed and giggled with their friends.

By the time we got home it was nearly time for bed. Big E is sporting an impressive sunburn and my cheeks look rather pink this evening. I think we will all sleep really, really well tonight!

 

 

“Mommy, do you know the man that plays the bad guy in Alvin and the Chipmunks?” C asked me as we were cuddling this evening.

What an oddly specific question.

I’ve never seen it, but I wracked my brain to figure out who was even in that movie. “No, I don’t know him,” I responded to C, figuring that our conversation would be over.

“But Daddy says you know him.”

“What? That can’t be right.”

“Daddy, did you say mommy knows the bad guy from Alvin and the Chipmunks?”

Tim turned from playing at the piano. “He’s the guy you went to Bible study with?”

“Tony Hale!! Wait, he’s the bad guy? Yeah I know him.”

C’s eyes got big. “You know him?!?”

“Well, yes, but I doubt he remembers me. If I saw him and mentioned where I know him from he’d probably say, ‘those were good times.'”

“Why would he say that,” she asked.

“Because they were.” I replied. She was content with that answer and snuggled back into cuddling.

One of the strange and wonderful things about my time in New York is that I met a lot of interesting people there. The first time I met Tony was at a Bible study for young artists called “The Haven.” There must have been close to 150 people there, so I doubt he would remember me, but he was at least partially in charge of the ministry. He had done a few commercials by that time, but hadn’t done anything large.

The Haven met weekly at an old church on 21st street (I think), right down the street from the Belvedere Hotel. It had ornate wooden doors that opened into a large sanctuary, that while it was formidable, it was in desperate need of upkeep. The idea behind the Haven was to have a coming together of young artists and artisans, to have a time of worship and Bible study.

I remember enjoying my time there and I looked forward to Bible Study every week. It was an amazing experience to be in a crowded old church in the heart of NYC worshipping and learning about God, surrounded by artists and drifters. We each had a story- the journey that brought us to New York and the reason we stayed as long as we could.

When the corporate worship was over, we would break up into small groups and disperse about the church to study the word. My group met in a dusty old balcony up some back stairs that looked over the aged sanctuary. I met great friends within those walls, but in a big city like NY, many friendships are transient as people ebb and flow through the streets. When I finally left NY, I left the Haven behind as well and I missed it.

A few years later I found the “Arrested Development” dvds at a nearby store. I had heard that Tony had landed a big time gig. I impulse bought the show, brought it home, and couldn’t stop laughing. It was a strange sensation seeing a familiar face on my tv, and he was hilarious. The show is funny, albeit crude at times. Tony went on to do other roles, and now my daughter knows him as the bad guy from Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Before tonight I hadn’t thought about the Haven in years. It’s funny how time does that. But the reminder this evening took me right back to “those good times.” What an enjoyable stroll down memory lane. 🙂

I was running late this morning because of a dentist appointment and expected to have a smooth commute, so I was annoyed when I hit a significant delay. I chalked it up to a fender bender or construction. I was about a hundred yards away when I noticed the vehicles ahead of me were pulling to either side of the highway. As we inched a long, I worked my way to the left side of the road and in a moment I realized it was an accident that was holding us up. I saw a large SUV that didn’t seem to have any damage, but there were a lot of people pulled off on the side of the road and many standing in front of the SUV. As I pulled past the SUV I understood the full extent of what had happened. There was a man laying on the ground in front of the SUV. A motorcycle was on its side not 15 feet away. The man still had his helmet on and he was laying face up on the ground, arms and legs spread out. There were no emergency vehicles around, so it had just happened. I couldn’t tell how bad off he was, or if he was even still alive and I can’t recall if there were people trying to talk to him, or if they were just standing around him. And just like that, traffic picked up speed and I had to move along.

But it sat hard with me. I checked online this evening and didn’t see any mention of the incident so I pray the man was fine and the accident happened at a slow speed. I thought of him often throughout the day, thinking how in the span of just seconds his life changed.

It’s moments like that that remind you that life is only lived once and it is fleeting.

I’ve spent a large part of the past few weeks feeling anxious or worried. I have four more weeks of work and I find myself freaking out about our future. Are we doing the right thing? Have we made a huge mistake? At the same time, during those past few weeks, I have also been constantly reminded of God’s promises to never forsake us, that He did not give us a spirit of timidity, and that trusting Him often means letting go of what is comfortable and safe.

And I’m doing that by capturing those anxious thoughts and saying ‘thank you’ instead. We are being given an incredible opportunity to challenge the status quo, to take a risk and step out in faith that God will follow through on a plan He set in motion, and we are being pushed far past our comfort zone. After all, God values our holiness far greater than our comfort.

So tonight, please join me in praying for the man on the road- that he is safe and uninjured, and that God would use that experience for His glory. And then take a look at your own life- are you scared, worried, frustrated, or angry.?Are you overwhelmed  by your circumstances? Take a moment to pause, look around you. See your home. Look at your family. Remember your God. And say, “Thank you.”