03-21-17 Spring Break

I admit that I imagined my spring break to look much different than it does. No, I wasn’t expecting white sands and palm trees, but rather a few quiet days with a good book, and perhaps some much needed spring cleaning. It did not involve personalized vomit buckets, binge watching Beat Bugs, or medical masks, but such is life. Our best laid plans are often laid to waste, are they not?

It’s not all bad, really. I’ve gotten some cooking and cleaning done. I’ve received some wonderful cuddles from some precious kids. And I myself was able to binge watch the second season of Poldark, so it could be worse. A kind friend dropped off some coffee this afternoon in the midst of my confinement, so I do not feel neglected.

C still has a fever, but hasn’t thrown up since late last night, so hopefully tomorrow will bring some much needed respite. My final day of spring break will probably resemble my last two, but that’s alright. The positive is that I haven’t had to take leave time yet for this round of sickness, so there’s that I guess!

We are still praying the others don’t get it, (hence the binge watching television… it’s the only way I am sure to keep the kids separated.) And I pray Charlotte starts bouncing back. She is eating and drinking pretty well, but is still complaining of a tummy ache and headache. Thanks for the prayer and well wishes!

03-20-17 Time to Hunker Down… Again

C was sitting on my lap in church yesterday morning when she started to feel warm. I decided to take her home early and when we got home she was running a fever. That seemed to be her main complaint other than a passing headache. I kept her home in the evening, but her fever had seemed to break. This morning she seemed fine, but as the day trudged on it started rising again, and by this afternoon she seemed to be heading downhill.

I took her to the walk in hours at the pediatrician (at this point we should have a parking spot with our name on it) and we learned that she has the flu. Yup… the flu. It’s flu A which is what the boys had earlier in the year, though there is no way to know if it is the same strain. The doctor said it is possible they might get it again. I sure hope not because as I went on the second great Tamiflu hunt of 2017 (it’s pretty much sold out everywhere…) I finally found it at a small, out of the way pharmacy and when I went to purchase it, my insurance declined to cover the two bottles. I could only buy one. Apparently we have maxed out our Tamiflu resources until June, so if we need any more it’s going to cost more than $380/ prescription. When I asked the pharmacist what I should do she gave me a sympathetic smile and said, “Pray the other ones don’t get it.”

So that’s my plan, friends. I’m praying like crazy the others don’t get it, especially poor Baby E. We could sure use a break at our house!

C’s incredibly disappointed in the flavor of the Tamiflu, but she took it this evening and now all the kids are tucked in bed. I’m praying for an uneventful night and peaceful sleep all around. Thank you for your prayers!

God is good, all the time!

 

03-19-17 Happy Birthday, Big E!!

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The very first picture I have of Big E is rather gross. Since C was an emergency c-section (really emergency) we didn’t get the chance to take photos of her immediate birth, but with Big E we were slightly more prepared. We had hoped not to end up with another c-section, but it happened, and while we were disappointed, we were also relieved to meet him as soon as possible. They asked me if I wanted to watch the operation and I declined, but I did ask Tim to take some pictures so I could see what happened when I was ready to. This evening I found those pictures. The first photo of my sweet boy, he isn’t even completely out of my body yet. Multiple hands are crowding around as they are pulling him from the incision they made to remove him. His body is white and covered in splotches of blood. There is a hand propping up his head and another grabbing him by the shoulders. There’s a dark shadow over his face, but I can see that his eyes were closed and his mouth was open as if already crying.

The next photo has him placed on my legs, umbilical cord in full sight, my stomach gaping open. The cord looks to be wrapped around his ankle and the doctor appears to be guiding it around, while another set of hands gently holds him in place.

A few pictures later, and the doctor is holding him up to the camera. He looks slimy and his face is contorted in a scream, but in all honesty he looks perfect.

Childbirth is an incredibly messy, vulnerable, and somewhat terrifying experience, but with the most incredible and overwhelming results.

Growing up I always wanted to be a mom, but only in a way that I thought I should want to be a mom, as if that would be fulfilling some sort of checklist of things I should do as an adult. I had no idea the deep love that would be awoken the first time my own child was put into my arms. And as we have welcomed each child into our home, my capacity to love has only grown larger.

And Big E got the benefit of a mother no longer scared of motherhood. Nearly two years of experience had prepared me for him and nearly seven years have further taught me there is no greater journey than motherhood.

So happy birthday, dear sweet Big E! May you always be so kind and compassionate and may your generous heart be a blessing to all you meet. I love you. Your daddy loves you. And your heavenly Father above loves you as well. You are important. You are special. You are loved.

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03-18-17 One more day!

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At 6:52 pm tomorrow my dear sweet boy will turn five. Five years I have had the honor and privilege of being his mother. His kind and gentle heart never ceases to amaze me and I am as proud as a mother can possibly be. He is my handsome pants and the one I can rely on to put a smile on my face. He is genuine, sweet, and incredibly kind.

For his fifth birthday we decided to get him a bicycle. Big E had been riding a pink three wheeler for way longer than necessary, but he thought it was an awesome little bike that was the fastest mode of transportation possible. He was so proud of it. But as he got way too big for it, he graduated to another small bike that a friend of us had given. I noticed a few months ago that he seemed to be outgrowing it.

Yesterday I went on a great bicycle hunt and came across the one that I knew he would absolutely love…

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Big E is a huge Spiderman fan and I knew this would be a hit. I even topped it off with a Spiderman bike helmet. This evening we had the neighbor cousins over for cake and presents and when it was time to give him the bike he opened the front door and saw it sitting on the sidewalk. I absolutely loved his response. He was so genuinely happy and excited. It didn’t take long to get the new helmet on and Big E was zipping around the parking lot with a huge smile on his face!

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A completely perfect evening!

 

03-16-17 A Date with my Best Girl

Tim and the boys spent the night away from home, so I made the ill fated decision to let C sleep in our bed with me last night. In my head this plan made perfect sense, but in reality it was harder than I anticipated. First of all, she tossed and turned all night long. Secondly, she snores. Thirdly, she kept waking me up blaming me for snoring (not sure if I was or if her own snoring was waking her up.) So, we barely got any sleep last night. However, even with those complaints, I actually really did love having her in bed with me, especially when she rolled over in the middle of the night and curled up against me.

Since the boys weren’t home yet this evening, I decided to take my best girl on a date after I picked her up. We went to a local pizza place and had dinner, talked, colored, and told jokes. It was a lovely evening spent getting to know the heart of my best girl just a little bit better. I love the little lady she is growing up to be!

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03-15-17 Remembering

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I distinctly remember the sound of the bed being wheeled down the hallway, briskly, but not with the same urgency that had taken us to the ultrasound room in the first place. Tim was walking beside me, his eyes cast down, his gait heavy. The automatic doors cranked open and shut as we weaved our way through the hallways back to the Emergency Room. They wheeled my bed back into my room, the nurse said something I don’t think I ever heard and then she left. As the curtain stopped swaying and the door slid shut, Tim crawled into the bed next to me and pulled me closer to him. I laid my head on his chest.

I knew he had seen the ultrasound screen, that he knew the truth… but he didn’t offer it and I didn’t ask. I would know soon enough. I wanted to hold on for as long as I could to the hope, be it ever the slightest glimmer, that my child would survive. And try as I did to believe my lie, there were tears in his eyes that betrayed what I feared.

So we sat there in silence.

 

I’m not sure why that surfaced tonight. That’s the strange thing about grief, it ebbs and flows with little reason. 

03-14-17 Finally a snow day!!

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The temperature is dropping. I can feel it as I sit here in my living room. The snowstorm that came through very early this morning left little snow, much to my disappointment. It did, however, afford me a day off from work and for that I was grateful. We’ve had precious few snow days this year so we were long overdue. Poor C still had school so the boys and I visited the neighbor cousins for a few hours this morning and this afternoon we spent inside as well. The kids are still adjusting to the time change, so we made an early night of it. I enjoyed being home with them all day. Fingers crossed we get a delayed opening in the morning! 🙂

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03-13-17 Little Man

This little fellow woke up shortly after I got home from MOPS this evening. He has a cold and it is making him cough. So we hung out for awhile watching TV until he was ready to fall back asleep. Considering he and Big E had a fast moving stomach bug yesterday, I sure hope he gets completely better soon!