I felt the congestion coming on late in the afternoon. I had rallied the children to get them to the doctor, and as we waited, I came to grips that I had contracted Baby E’s cold. Knowing that nighttime is usually worse, cleverly I decided to outwit my body, for as everyone knows, you can not tell you are ill, if you are asleep. So, upon getting the children to bed, I wandered to my medicine cabinet and retrieved a bottle of Benadryl. Oh what a bottle it was, filled almost to the brim with brilliantly pink, little pills, each promising me an uninterrupted night’s hibernation. Reading the dosage, I opted for an in between treatment and swallowed one and a half pills. Assured that I would soon slumber, I took a warm bath and then made my bed on the couch, the location of banishment in our home when one gets ill.

I settled in and turned off the lights.

Overconfident I very well may have been as I had overlooked the Starbucks drink I had consumed mere hours earlier.

A civil war of sorts took place within my mind and body- one side the sweet, pink pills of lethargy and on the other, the full throttle intensity of a large cup of coffee. Neither side would be dictated to. Neither side would yield!!

Unflinching they remained, both sides resilient, strong, noble in their steadfast desire to gain control over my sleeping hours.

In the end, the Benadryl won my body, while the Starbucks Grande Caramel Mocha won my mind. So I laid there on the couch, feeling each part of my body’s weight as it pressed itself into the cushions, lacking the ability to move and yet having absolutely no power over the running monologue that streamed ceaselessly in my mind.

I laid there for hours, not moving, but constantly thinking. To make matters worse, the cat was very active. I know not what she laid destruction to in the middle of the night other  than it was loud and echoey.

Add to this Big E, in a groggy stupor, had found the doorknob to his bedroom to be inexplicably difficult and as he screamed at the top of his lungs to get out of his room to use the bathroom, I came to. The journey upstairs was a tenuous one, as the walls teetered and sure footing was hard to find. I found him, though, curled up on his bed, shaking and crying that his door had defeated him. I led him to the bathroom and I wandered back downstairs to the couch, my husband none the wiser as he slept in the bed comfortably and soundly.

The night wore on, and somewhere between sleep and wakefulness I passed those many hours, until long last this very morning the bell tolled and I was officially awoken. This day, however, has been a haze- a Benadryl and caffeine induced trance. May this evening be proven less difficult, and may sleep be found to be less coy.

“I really hope my stomach falls off!!!!” Big E squealed as we drove down a steep hill, his arms in the air as he laughed.

“I think you mean, ‘lose your stomach!'” I laughed in return. I actually love when my kids use the wrong phrases or pronunciations to words. Sometimes I correct them, and sometimes I let them slide.

C said the word ‘mazagine’ the other day, which she hasn’t said for quite some time, and I smiled. I loved it.

Like I said yesterday, Baby E has been sporting a cold for about a week and when we woke up this morning I realized that his inhaler was down to five more puffs. Yikes!! I called in to get a refill, and as the day carried on, I decided I would take him into walk in hours. It wasn’t because he seemed any worse, it was because I had the day off and I figured it would be better to do it now, than get halfway through the week and something happen and I’d have to take him after work one day. So, I packed the kids up and headed to the doctor.

Now, the last time I took all three of them to the pediatrician with me was a long, long time ago. In fact, I think it has been over a year. I’ve been avoiding it since the ‘incident.’ You know, the time my kids were totally out of control and were wrestling on the floor as I was trying to talk to the doctor. The same time that he referenced weeks later when I was there with just Baby E and the doctor thought he was referring to my sister-in-law and her kids. “Your cousins were pretty wild that time they were here!!” (Yikes!) “Yup, those kids,” I said as I shook my head and mentally reminded myself to apologize to my sister-in-law for totally throwing her under the bus.

Since then I think I’ve only taken one or two.

Tonight we had a code word, ‘Penguins.’ If they heard me say ‘penguins,’ they knew I thought they were out of control and needed to calm back down or they wouldn’t get cake when we got home. (Yes, I bribed them.)

Well ten minutes into our visit I had entirely exhausted that word and vowed once again to never go out in public with all three by myself again! They calmed down just in time for the doctor to come in, which was helpful.

He quickly diagnosed Baby E with RSV.

Wait, RSV???? The same thing that Baby E had when he was a newborn and nearly landed him in the hospital!! All I could think about was that horrible week I watched my baby fight to breathe. The doctor must have read it in my face, because he was quick to assure me that Baby E is older now and his body can handle this better. His ears look great. There is no fever. No pneumonia. His lungs sound a little coarse, but nothing that the inhaler can’t help with. In fact, the only recommendation was to continue what we were doing. It’s a 7-10 day illness, so he should be almost out of it. He reiterated, “For most people, it’s just a cold.”

With a sigh of relief, I grabbed the prescription and wrangled the kids to the door. We made a few stops on the way home- to fill the Rx and grab a pizza for dinner. Baby E once again seemed fine this evening. He didn’t fight the inhaler treatment. It’s been awhile since he has had a breathing related illness, so the doctor said he isn’t likely to develop asthma (That’s a concern when kids get RSV at a very young age.) So hopefully we are in the clear for that one. Thanks for the prayers for my little man. He is going to get some Naona time tomorrow, which is a great thing because he has been begging to see her for about a week!

I think when you are two years old… life is hard. Baby E has been sporting a cold for about a week. I’m always on edge when he gets anything resembling a cold because his lungs get bad quick. This time I decided to be more proactive, so we started giving him his inhaler early on. This has made this cold so much more mild than they have been in the past. (Seriously, a cold for most kids is just a cold, for Baby E it can mean a trip to the ER.)  I’m praying he kicks this thing soon. He seemed to get over the worst of it a few days ago.

That being said, he is more tired than normal and the poor fellow just couldn’t make it all the way through lunch today.

Since yesterday was a bust, I am so thankful that I have off tomorrow and that I will get to spend it with my sweet loves. 🙂 I think it’s going to be a watching-movies-eating-popcorn-drinking-hot-cocoa kind of day! Bring it on!

I’m so glad I have a three day weekend because today was a total waste of a Saturday. I woke up dizzy this morning and have felt not great all day. Thankfully my awesome husband took care of the kids and let me rest all day. Hopefully a full night’s sleep will set me straight!

A YEAR AGO TODAY

 

Around Thanksgiving, C came home with a project that needed to be completed by the beginning of January. The information that came with it explained that the children were going to be studying geography and one of the ways they would do that was with “Flat Stanley.” Flat Stanley is a character in a book that gets flattened and then realizes he can travel anywhere he wants because he is so compact. (I think. Honestly, I skimmed.) The paper asked us to either send or take Flat Stanley somewhere over the holidays and get pictures of him in his new environment. Then we needed to return him to school with the photos and the kids would see where all the Flat Stanleys travelled.

Well, I have a sweet cousin and her husband that live in Grass Valley, CA so we decided to send Flat Stanley out west. He had a great time taking in all the sights. He visited some family, took in the cultural scene, and did some historic research. He came back no worse for wear, with some wonderful pictures of his adventures!

Grass Valley is a small gold mining town located in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. It’s about half way between Sacramento, CA and Reno, NV.

Flat Stanley visiting my aunt and uncle’s house!Hanging out in my cousin’s back yard.Downtown Grass Valley at Christmas TimeDowntown Grass Valley, Del Oro TheaterGrass Valley Mining MuseumGrass Valley Mining MuseumGrass Valley Mining MuseumGrass Valley Mining MuseumNevada County Fairgrounds Entrance
The Gentle Giant- a Draft Horse, historically used for logging.

Thanks to Sue for being a good sport and hosting Flat Stanley over the holidays!!

My daughter and I have matching boots. This is probably the closest we will ever get to being the Gilmore Girls!

The darkness that has been hanging heavy over me these past few months is starting to lift. I can feel it deep inside me, the ache giving way to something new. In the past I have always fought the mourning process, steeling myself against the pain and vowing to push forward. This time, with the loss of our pregnancy, I chose to feel it. There were moments when the pain was relentless, clawing at my mind and body, assaulting my thoughts with all manner of fears and insecurities. Self destruction would not do, however, so some of that pain I dumped here on a captive audience, while much remained for my family and friends, who bore it with grace and compassion; and even more was shouted at the heavens or offered up in tearful prayers. Thankfully the burden of our loss no longer violates every still moment. Instead, there is peace. There is solace in the quiet. There is gratitude in the silence.

He has pulled me through, as He promised He would. He has pulled me through.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

 

Last night I invited people to ask me any question they wanted and I would respond with a literary quote. I received some wonderful inquiries, so this evening I have set about answering them. I had to veer from strictly quotes from literature, as there were not as many as I hoped to tackle some of the topics. Since I am answering these questions in someone else’s words, I leave it to the reader to draw their own conclusions to the meaning.

This was a difficult experiment because rarely did a quote mimic the thought I intended it to express. I would be curious to know if you as the reader derived anything from this exercise. 

Also, please share if any of the quotes spoke to you, irrespective of their context in my narrative. Thank you!

 

THE EXPERIMENT

1. Where/how did your and your husband meet?

“I never weary of great churches. It is my favorite kind of mountain scenery. Mankind was never so happily inspired as when it made a cathedral.” Robert Louis Stevenson

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” Aristotle

“I wanted to punch him and understand him at the same time.” Shannon A. Thompson, Take Me Tomorrow

“I ask you to pass through life at my side- to be my second self, and best earthly companion.” Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

“Reader, I married him.” Charlotte Brontë

2. How does your finger feel?

“When a gust of wind hits a broken bone, you feel it.” Shia LaBeouf

“The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.” Voltaire

“I have been fortified by trauma, the way a bone, once broken, grows back stronger than it had been.” Charles M. Blow, Fire Shut Up in My Bones

“There is a tendency for things to right themselves.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

3. What are you working on at work?

“I have no idea what’s awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends…” Albert Camus, The Plague

“I don’t like work— no man does— but I like what is in the work— the chance to find yourself. Your own reality— for yourself not for others— what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means.” Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

“I feel I’m moving toward as well as away from something, and anything is possible.” Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

4. When did you start having an interest in photography?

“There’s a point, around the age of twenty, when you have to choose whether to be like everyone else the rest of your life, or to make a virtue of your peculiarities.” Ursula K. Le Guin, The Dispossessed

“I have a visual imagination.” Sylvia Plath

“One doesn’t stop seeing. One doesn’t stop framing. It doesn’t turn off and turn on. It’s on all the time.” Annie Leibovitz

“All photographs are accurate. None of them is the truth.” Richard Alvedon

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… It remembers the little things, long after you have forgotten everything.” Aaron Siskind

“The picture that you took with your camera is the imagination you want to create with reality.” Scott Lorenzo

“With photography, I always think that it’s not good enough.” Lynsey Addario

5. How and when did you notice you had a gift for writing so well?

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.” P.G. Wodehouse

“Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere.” Anne Lamott

“The most difficult thing about writing; is writing the first line.” Amit Kalantri

“Writing to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.” Isaac Asimov

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” Anne Frank

“I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” James A. Michener

6. Why are you such an amazing and awesome mother, friend, wife and all around person?

“Give up the struggle and the fight; relax in the omnipotence of the Lord Jesus; look up into His lovely face and as you behold Him, He will transform you into His likeness. You do the beholding— He does the transforming. There is no short-cut to holiness” Alan Redpath

“The God who can change a sinner into a Christian by giving him His life can equally transform the fleshly Christian into a spiritual one by giving him His life more abundantly.” Watchman Nee

“Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what’s going to happen. It’s one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s one of the most terrifying. It’s worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.” Ariana Grande

“… it is easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.” Mackenzie Astin

“I did the best I could, and in some arenas, my best was not good enough. I’ve made some bad choices.” Amy Grant

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” C.S. Lewis

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.” Erma Bombeck

“Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more…” Charlotte Ericsson

7. How many episodes of the Grand Tour have you seen?

“Starting from zero, got nothing to lose.” Tracy Chapman

8. How was the movie? (Mom’s Night Out)

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

“… a good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing; more’s the pity.” Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

9. Who influenced you to write so well and express yourself?

“She reads Dickens in the same spirit she would have eloped with him.” Eudora Welty, One Writer’s Beginnings

“A classic is a book that has never finished saying what is has to say.” Italo Calvino, The Uses of Literature

“When you reread a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in you than there was before.” Cliff Radioman

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.” George R.R. Martin, A Dance with Dragons

“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.” John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

 

 

 

*Thank you to everyone that participated!!*

 

 

Baby E inherited his sister’s first snow boots. They are pink. And he inherited her snow suit, with its pale blue butterflies along the cuffs. He inherited his brother’s old winter coat. Those are the casualties of being the youngest of three children. He doesn’t mind, though, and neither do we.

We went to the pet store this evening to get cat litter. Baby E wandered from the fish to the turtles and birds, and then over to the cats, babbling about and to each new creature he discovered. The kids squealed as a cat played with them from behind the glass, their belly laughs echoing through the store. It was such a simple outing, but one filled with moments of wonder for them.