This morning I caved and decided to go to the local Urgent Care near the new house. I took Big E with me because he had a slight fever on Friday and was sharing the rest of my symptoms. We got seen quickly, and the doctor prescribed me an antibiotic because I have been sick for so long. He told me I should just treat Big E with over the counter meds for now and keep an eye on him. So after the office visit, we headed over to Rite Aid to pick up some Dimetapp. I had promised him a stop by Dunkin Donuts, so he wasn’t very happy about the detour to the drug store. I told him we would be quick. I found the meds after a little searching, picked up the box, and turned to him.

“This is it. We can go now,” I said to him.

“But Mommy!!!” He responded with a very loud voice and a worried look on his face, “You have to pay for that!!!!” He said it as if I was in the habit of pilfering from local drug stores, and I looked around to see some customers staring at me, and an employee eyeing me suspiciously!

“Of course, I’m going to pay for it,” came my awkward response, which made it sound like I was just covering my tail. The nearby employee that was staring at me asked me if I had everything I needed and then she guided us up to the front register. I wondered as we walked if she thought I might make a run for the door with a purse full of contraband. I paid and we walked out, me making a mental note to use the drug store just down the street the next time we visit!

A little while ago, my sister purchased a VR headset. I had never used on before. The only VR experience I had was when we purchased a Google Cardboard set that you place your cellphone in. While I enjoyed it a lot, I couldn’t play with it long until I would get so motion sick. I was wary to try the new set this evening for fear it would sent me to bed with a tummy ache.

When we had gotten here last night, Tim and C played on it for a little while and it was adorable to watch her interact with it. She laughed and giggled as she explored this brand new way of seeing the world.

Since she seemed to enjoy it so much, and Tim had really talked it up, I decided to give it a try. We started off with a simple game of looking around a coral reef. And then we did a game where you were in a cage and it descended down into the ocean to look at a sunken submarine. I was really impressed with the detail in the graphics and they way that it made me want to touch everything in my environment, even though it wasn’t real. The manta rays and the fish drifted around the cage, as you could turn around and explore. Towards the end of the game, however, a shark makes an appearance. It was the strangest sensation to have your eyes tell your mind that something is real, when you know in reality that it is not. I stood there watching that shark bust its way through the cage trying to eat me, and it caused a physical reaction of alarm. I kept backing up away from it, or trying to hit it in an attempt to save myself.

I remember the old story about how one of the first films that ever played in a theater was a train that drove straight toward the camera. The theater goers were so scared of this train approaching them that they panicked and ran from the theater.

I think what I felt tonight is what they experienced- the dichotomy of what your eyes see and your mind knows to be true. The immersive nature of it was exciting and a little unsettling.  The really surprising thing about the entire experience was that it did not make me queasy. I think it was because the headset made it so immersive and the graphics were so well done. At the end of each game, I would take the headset off and let myself stand there for a few minutes with my eyes closed to ground myself again. I tried a few more games, and ended on a car racing game, which did make me a little nauseous, probably because I kept running into walls!

I don’t think it is something that I would want a steady diet of, but it was very enjoyable and I would recommend it!

As for the rest of our day, Tim and I went on a date to see the Black Panther movie, which I liked a lot and we ended our evening with a sushi date at a local restaurant.

I’m including a picture of C playing on the VR headset last night. 🙂

I’m going on four days of very little sleep and I can’t tell you how tired I am. After a comedy of errors getting on the road this evening we finally got to the new house at 10:30. I snagged some Advil PM in hopes that it will knock me out. ☺️ I’m so thankful it is the weekend!!!

Baby E- I have a secret for you. You’re the prettiest, prettiest princess I’ve never seen!!

BabyE gave me his cold at the end of last week and it is kicking my butt. Along with other symptoms, I have a scratchy throat, which always gets worse at night. So, I’ve gotten barely any sleep in the past few days. Hopefully it lets up soon cause I am exhausted!!

Baby E- I have a secret for you. You’re the prettiest, prettiest princess I’ve never seen!!

BabyE gave me his cold at the end of last week and it is kicking my butt. Along other symptoms, I have a scratchy throat, which always gets worse at night. So, I’ve gotten barely any sleep in the past few days. Hopefully it let’s up soon cause I am exhausted!!

“Make sure you walk when you go back to the bathtub, the floor will be sli….”

Crash. Thud. Scream.

Moments earlier Baby E had walked out the bathroom, water dripping off his body asking for more toys for his bath. Baby E loves bath time, and wouldn’t hesitate to spend an hour in the water. This evening I had given him plenty of toys, but apparently they weren’t the ones he was looking for. He stood there shivering and asking me for more. I pointed out one more he could take. He grabbed it, turned, and ran towards the bath. That’s when I called after him. That’s when he fell.

I sprang up from the floor I was sitting on and rushed into the bathroom to find him sprawled on his back with his head resting on the hard tile floor. By the sound of his fall, I knew he was in pain. I scooped him up and held him in my arms as he screamed and screamed. After a few moments he started to calm down. I rubbed at his head, noting no unusual bumps or bruises and he asked to get back in the tub. I gave him a kiss, set him in the water, and gave him strict instructions to not get out alone again. Poor kid. After dinner, he put himself to bed nearly an hour early. But considering he had only taken a 20 minute nap, played in the snow for an hour, and had his little tumble, he was more than ready.

After months of snow disappointment we were finally rewarded for our patience. It snowed all day. Perfect, fat, beautiful snowflakes that danced as they fell to the ground. The air was still, and the sounds were muffled in the wondrous beauty that only a heavy snow can provide. We got between 5-7 inches, more than enough for sled riding, snow ball fights, building snowmen, and making snow angels. We watched movies next to a roaring fireplace. We played games. We read books. The day was pretty close to the most perfect snow day we could have asked for. The only thing missing was Daddy, as he had to be at work today. It’s likely the last (and only) big snow storm of the season, and I enjoyed it immensely. After I put the kids to bed this evening I went out to the van to clear it off for the morning’s commute. When I was finished I just stood in the driveway admiring the goodness of God on full display in the drooping, snow covered branches of the big pine tree near the house, and in the sound of the snow dropping from the highest branches of the tulip poplars. The sky still clung to the last few moments of light before slipping into complete darkness, and in that moment, that completely still moment, time stopped and life felt magical.

“I can help you with that. Don’t do it yourself,” the kind woman at the hardware store said to me as I looked down at the twenty pound bags of Ice Melt. another customer beckoned to her and when she turned her back I started lifting the bags into my cart one by one. As I lifted the final bag she returned, “I could have done that for you! I don’t want you to hurt yourself!” I smiled back and replied, “It’s ok. It wasn’t kicking or flailing like my kids do, so I was just fine.” “Do you need help to your car?” “No thanks, I’m good,” I said as I weaved my way to the check out line. It reminded me of my days in film school… the days where you had to prove you could hold your own among the men or you’d get trampled on as they went by. I learned then if I could physically do it, then I would. It was a man’s world and I had to meet them there. I smiled over those remembrances all the way home. I hadn’t heard the horrible news yet. My day was still good.

But then I heard about it… on social media, on the news outlets- a boy had walked into a school and shot several people. The developing story only offered bits and pieces of information as it trickled in, but it was close to home- about an hour away, in the kind of place these things don’t happen.

That’s what they all say, I’m sure. The parents that watch their children’s schools come under attack. “Not here. Not us.” Until it is here and it is us.

The other parents around the country breathed a collective sigh of relief that this time it wasn’t them. Their kids were safe.

A quick Facebook search brought me to the page of the mom of one of the victims. We have one mutual friend. Two degrees separation. That’s too close. Prayers and condolences flooded her newsfeed from across the country- strangers reaching out to her in her time of despair. I doubt she has read any of them- she’s probably keeping vigil next to her daughter. She must be terrified, finding it hard to breathe with the world closing in on her. She must be on her knees praying for a miracle with tears streaming down her face. That’s what I’d be doing. I’d be begging.

My children don’t know about what happened today. They don’t know about the last time it happened either. Nor the time before that. I can’t tell them. They do ‘bad guy’ drills in school, but the concept that such evil can go unchecked is foreign to them. They worry about best friends telling the truth, about playground arguments, or feeling left out of the crowd. They don’t worry about guns. They don’t worry about death. At school they are safe. Dear God, I pray they are safe.

There are many things my children don’t know about, things I have kept from them. They haven’t seen planes ram into tall buildings, bringing them crashing to the ground with the screams of those trapped inside. They haven’t dodged the ash as it fell from the sky. They haven’t ducked for cover at the sound of a gun going off. They’ve never lost someone that they love. They don’t grieve for a sibling they never knew existed. Do I shelter my children from these things? Yes. I do. They will hear the stories eventually. The oral histories of our families will be passed down as they have in generations past. But for now, I want them to be children. So I temper my stories around them. I guard what their eyes see and their ears hear, for once it is seen or heard it will remain. I choose to let them be little as long as they can, as long as the good Lord allows.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer to the gun debate. It isn’t black and white- but Lord, I wish it was. We all know violence doesn’t end with guns. It takes many forms- knives, box cutters, explosives, vehicles. If someone wants to kill, they need only choose their method. It’s a gun issue, but it’s also a heart and mind issue. It’s a parenting issue. It’s a violent tv/video game issue. It’s a devaluing of human life issue. It’s a socio economic issue. It’s a race issue. It’s an anger issue. It’s a drug issue. It’s a self esteem issue. It’s a social media issue. It’s a government issue. It’s a church issue. It’s a school issue.

It’s a sin issue. 

And until the hearts and minds of people change, it isn’t going away. So we pray. We pray for peace. We pray for those that feel unloved, that lash out in ways that hurt us all. We pray for people to step up and be courageous, to confront evil, to not back down. We pray that our children don’t live in fear. We pray they stay safe. We pray that we can do everything in our power to stop the next time before it happens.

And we pray for the ones that have gone before us- for the parents that didn’t get to say good bye, for the kids that died before their time. We pray for the gaping holes left in their wake and the communities that still feel the pain of their loss. And we especially pray for the day we can all say, “Not here. Not us.”

Big E turned six today. I’m not exactly sure how that happened so quickly, but it did. I remember the moment I first saw him. I remember looking into his eyes and being terrified that I was now a mother of a boy, but when I held him and I watched him sleep, I knew he would be easy to love, and he has been. Big E has one of the most compassionate hearts you could possibly find in a young child.

This morning I had the great honor of surprising him at lunchtime at his school. This being my spring break, I went to Starbucks this morning for some coffee for me and a cake pop for my sweet boy. When he saw me as he was coming down the hallway towards the cafeteria, his eyes brightened and he smiled his perfect Big E smile. I enjoyed the time I had with him, listening to him talk and watching how well he interacts with his peers.

I waited around and had lunch with C as well, and that experience was just as enjoyable. When I had said goodbye, I headed home for a quick bite of lunch and then off to the dentist. (Yes, my spring breaks are glamorous, I know!!) I have a cold, thanks to Baby E, so I had taken some Sudafed earlier in the day, and then I had a small amount of my anxiety medicine (have I ever mentioned how much I dislike going to the dentist.) By the time I sat down in the lobby of the office, I was almost asleep!! Not a good combo, apparently! Thankfully the appointment went well and I was on my way to do some grocery shopping before grabbing the kids.

Big E asked for Ledo’s pizza this evening, so we stopped by and grabbed that. When we got home we ate, watched some tv, and then spent the rest of the evening playing. I’m trying to make a concerted effort to spend more time on the ground with the kids, and tonight was a great chance to do it. We played with boats, ships, and cars. We played Telephone, and had a silly, goofy time. We read lots of books and video called daddy, who is away for the evening.

When it was time to turn out the lights, they all obliged and fell quickly to sleep. I was going to stay up and watch a movie, but instead I am turning in early. I have one more day of Spring Break, and I need to spend it cleaning up our basement area. 🙂

PS- I am totally rooting for snow. The more the better!!! Bring on the flakes. 🙂

Baby E is still dealing with some separation anxiety. It makes sense, considering there are a great many things in his life that he is not in control over and we have had some big changes in the past year, so navigating them can be challenging for him. One of the things he absolutely refuses to do is stay in the nursery at our new church. He doesn’t know anyone and the few times we have tried he has been in hysterics the entire time. So when we are at the new house and visiting the new church, we keep him with us for the entire service. Honestly, I thought it would be a disaster the first week that we tried, but he actually took to it very quickly. He sits very quietly and doesn’t stir much and he is almost guaranteed to take a nap about ten minutes into the sermon.

So this morning as we sat at church, I held him in my arms and he slept. I confess that I loved it. I didn’t mind that the room was really warm, and his sweating little body was pressing against me. I enjoyed the weight of him in my arms. I liked the rhythmic sound of his breathing.

As the pastor drew his sermon to a close and we started singing the final song, Baby E opened his eyes and blinked at me, giving me a huge smile. As long as our Sunday mornings go that smoothly, he can sit with me as long as he wants!

Big E’s birthday is in just a couple of days, but this evening we decided to have a little celebration for him out at the new house. We had a cake and presents and sang Happy Birthday. And I have to tell you that I am one proud mama. My sweet boy kindly asked who each present was from, and once learning the giver, turned to them and politely said thank you. He lingered over the gifts and was genuinely excited about each one, whether it was a Mario Pez dispenser or a new video game. This boy has the kindest heart of any child I’ve ever met, and it makes giving him gifts such a pleasure.

It’s so hard to believe that in two short days he will be six. I once heard someone say that the days are long, but the years are short when it comes to parenting. This evening I feel that is true. The baby I held in my arms nearly six years ago is growing in strength and character into a kind, compassionate, loving boy and I am so proud to be his mommy. What an honor. 🙂