If you’ve been around for awhile you know that many of my blog postings include comments about how difficult our evenings can be. By the time we get home everyone is tired, hungry, and altogether incredibly cranky. Everything becomes a battle of wills, and I am all too aware that I am outnumbered!  This week we had four late nights in a row and to be honest, I was kind of dreading this evening. But I decided on my way home that tonight would be different. I wasn’t really sure how that was going to work, or what I would do differently, but I prayed a quiet prayer that tonight would be better.

I let the kids play for a little while outside this evening. When it was time to come in I made a very simple dinner of PBJs and scrambled eggs. With dinner out of the way so quickly, we got ready for bed and had a little extra time to read and work on our memory verses for Awanas. Instead of slogging through our evening, it ended up being a great chance to connect with each other. The kids loved the extra attention and when it was time for lights out they obeyed immediately!

Is there any way we can bottle this evening and reproduce it tomorrow?!?

I found this little gem in C’s notebook at school last night. The text said, “I went to nono’s haous.”

This evening was Open House Night at C’s school. It was a great chance to get to visit C’s classroom, see her teacher, and learn some of the protocol and curriculum that is going to be dominating my girl’s life for the next year. Wow, has first grade gotten intense! I liked going over the types of curricula and topics they will be discussing this year and I even got to write a note for C to leave on her desk for her to find in the morning!

The one thing I learned about C this evening is that apparently she likes to stand at her desk instead of sit for most of her class day. (Her teacher says she doesn’t mind, so she lets her do it, but this is not something we ran into when she was in kindergarten.) When I asked C this evening why she chooses to stand when all the other kids are sitting, she replied that she gets too bored when she is sitting. Standing helps her to concentrate and get her boring work done.

Any teachers out there with any thoughts about that? 🙂

I also took the opportunity to apologize to her teacher for the musical shoe incident of 2016 and promised to never send her back to school with singing shoes ever again. (apparently C’s shoes were creating quite the stir in her class. Oops!)

I also got to rifle through her desk and page through her notebooks. I love seeing her art and stories! I really enjoyed getting to spend some time in the place my daughter spends most of her week. Feeling blessed that she goes to such a great school!

I was introduced to MOPS years ago. I had heard about it before C was born and saw it as a special, secret club that only moms could attend. In the blurry, messy, exhausting time of new motherhood, I went to my first meeting. And it was at that meeting that I met so many other moms that were on the same journey I had just begun. Some of them had walked that path for years before I started, while others were just like me, sleep deprived and barely functioning, but eager for connection and filled with fears and anxieties about being a mother. I found friends and encouragement, and through the years I have seen it provide that for so many others as well.

This year’s MOPS theme is “We Are The Starry Eyed.” It is a call to embrace wonder, hope, and kindness. It’s making the choice to see the good in all the darkness, to make a difference, to fight the cynicism, and to make an impact. It’s leaning on a God of infinite power and wisdom and expecting Him to work amazing things in our lives… Great and unsearchable things!

Thus says the Lord who made the Earth, the Lord who formed it to establish it… call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Jeremiah 33:2-3

Fifteen Years. 

Her head peaked over the table this morning, staring at the snow globe. I had forgotten to put it away last night and she peered at it as she nibbled at her blueberry waffle.

What is that? She asked as she chewed.

It’s a snow globe. I answered. I let her hold it and turn it upside down. She watched it, smiling as the snow swirled around and began drifting down.

What’s inside it?

Buildings. That one is the Statue of Liberty. 

And that one is the Eiffel Tower? She asked, pointing to the globe.

No, that’s the Empire State Building. 

What are those other ones? 

Those are the World Trade Center. I steadied myself as I answered.

Can I have another waffle? She glanced away, losing interest.

The moment had passed. I breathed a sigh of relief. I guess I’m not quite ready to have that talk with her. They will be discussing it at school tomorrow, a history lesson, a moment of reflection… I’m not really sure. Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow night, after she has had some context. Or perhaps I will leave it for another year. I can’t decide. I don’t need to right now.

 

Fifteen Years. 

When I left the grocery store this evening, the sky was painted vibrant blues, oranges, and pinks as far as I could see. Through blurry eyes I packed my groceries into my car, thankful for such beauty. Sunsets make me sentimental. I grew up near a river, and the front of our home faced due west. From my bedroom window I could see the sunset reflecting off the calm water, casting its hues across the surface. Now I live near a bay, facing east. I don’t see as many sunsets.

Fifteen Years. 

It was nearly dark by the time I got home, so I drove to the bay and parked my car. I walked to the pier and found a quiet cubby to watch the waves. They crashed lazily onto the sand, the sound pierced only by people talking on the beach. A breeze played with the hair around my face. I needed that moment of solitude. I let the tears fall.

Fifteen Years. 

Fifteen years of walking the line between wanting to forget and needing to remember…

I went home. I engaged with my kids. I tickled them. I loved on them. I nuzzled my nose into their necks. I played with their hair. I snuggled with them. I lingered in their smiles and I smiled back.

Fifteen Years. 

 

For those of you that checked in on me today, thank you. 

 

I took a walk with my favorites this evening. Well, I walked. C rode her scooter. Big E rode his bike. And Baby E relaxed in the stroller. We made our way to the stinky bridge, and my was it stinky today! The tide was low, but not horribly so. However, the smell was quite overwhelming. Nothing like a marshland in 90+ degree heat and humidity! The kids were good sports about it and when we got to the gazebo park they spent their time riding around on the large paved area. It was nice to get out of the house and stretch our legs. We had spent our morning with the neighbor cousins and then C went to her grandmother’s house to spend time with one of her cousins for the day. The rest of us hung out at home cleaning, watching tv, and napping. We were definitely due for some outdoor time!

5 years.

10 years.

15 years.

Why do these numbers seem more significant than the others?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I’ve been restless this week, not sleeping well, consuming more and more coffee to hide my fatigue. I’ve been short tempered, snapping more at the kids and sending them to their room for minor offenses. I’ve been craving quiet, but my children have been anything but. There’s been a simmering under the surface. It hit home this evening when I yelled at my kids to stop talking and get ready for bed.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Tomorrow will be 15 years. Most days I don’t think about it. I can go weeks without it crossing my mind. For obvious reasons, this time of year is always more difficult and this week is always the hardest. I used to not cry about it. I used to bottle it. But years ago I decided to let the tears come. That’s part of working through grief- you have to feel it.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3

I put the kids to bed and I wandered downstairs, intent on tackling the dirty dishes, but instead I made my way to the china hutch. I wasn’t even sure if what I was looking for was there. Had I even unpacked it when we moved? But I found it, shoved in a corner behind a large candle. I shook it and the snow scattered and fell back down, just as it always has.

Two moves ago I contemplated tossing it. I even had it in the ‘throw away pile,’ but at the last minute I grabbed it, wrapped it in old newspaper and shoved it into a box. I’m glad I did.

Grief is a hard path, best not to be walked alone. I’m thankful that I have always had a strong support system. Their love and compassion has always pointed me back to Christ.  And though tonight the grief feels fresh, I cling to the promise my Father made to never leave me, nor forsake me, for in Him my tears find respite.

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

I’m not recounting my story tonight, but if you want to read it, you can find it here in a post I wrote last year.

Blessings.

Today was the first day of Big E’s last year at Moms Morning Out. He’s in the four year old class this year, which means kindergarten next year! *sniff*sniff*

I got a great report from his teachers that he listened very well and was well behaved all day. He went out of his way to encourage the other kids on, even cheering for them when they played a game. He said grace at lunchtime and was sweet and serious.

I love this kid’s kind and generous heart! His gentle spirit and beautiful smile brighten each day of my life! Love him so much!

I was ‘coaxing’ the big kids out of bed this morning when I heard a loud thud and their bedroom shook for a brief moment.

I knew what it was the moment it happened.

It’s a day I have been waiting for for six whole years!

In six whole years my children have never attempted to climb out of their crib. Apparently Baby E took it into his head that this would be the day to break the record. Unfortunately he didn’t quite land the dismount and when I ran in to check on him he was laying on his back staring at the ceiling and wailing at the top of his lungs. He had a reddish spot on his leg, so I think that’s where he hit. He just kept screaming ‘bed’ and ‘boo-boo.’

There’s a rocking horse in Baby E’s room. Usually it is in the corner, and the kids don’t notice it, but yesterday they were playing with it and last night it got left next to Baby E’s crib. It would seem that Baby E loves this rocking horse, and I think that might have been the motivation for his daring escape.

Whatever his thinking, we had a nice long talk this evening about getting out of bed. I’m not sure if he understood a word I said to him, but he smiled and said ‘yes’ a lot (even when the answer was supposed to be ‘no.’) I did add a fluffy blanket to the floor, so hopefully if he falls again he will have a little more cushioning. Oh, and the rocking horse has gone on vacation.

I smell ostriches, Big E announced as I was cooking dinner.

Well that’s strange. I’m cooking eggs and sausage. 

Oh! I mean sausages. I smell sausages!!

Also, apparently he found my new boots.

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C’s homework this evening was to create a cover and a back for her writer’s journal at school. I gave her some photos, paper, and stickers and she went to town. I think the final product is pretty cute!

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Today was a big day for one of C’s friends from church. Abby had a major surgery today, so in honor of Abby the kids wore purple.

We are all praying that Abby’s recovery is quick and complication free! We love you, Abby!